I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I really would. I mean, if you’d never read the books, knew nothing about them, literally went about creating an updated cover based on nothing but the title then maybe, MAYBE, I could see how we got here. But lets face it guys – you’re in publishing. Says so in your name. You’re gonna try and tell me that at no time in this process did anyone in the organization stop and go “Wait, isn’t this chick supposed to be a redhead? And isn’t this a children’s book? We might need to rethink this…”? Someone, somewhere had to at least be AWARE of everything that is wrong with this, right?
Look, I get the concept of trying to get modern youngsters to read the classics by making them seem more relatable. I don’t agree with it, I think it’s further evidence that our civilization is slowly but surely degrading, but on a completely pragmatic level, I get it. You want kids to read! I want kids to read! Kids should be reading Anne of Green Gables, it’s a wonderful book and Anne Shirley is a relatable and admirable heroine for all young girls. What I don’t get is why an “updated” cover has to have a blonde teen instead of a redheaded kid; what exactly are you trying to say? How is that a modern imagining of Anne? Because that up there? That is not Anne Shirley. That is just offensive.
Yeah, I’m offended by this. I’m offended by the suggestion that a sexy blonde is more relatable to little girls than a freckle-faced redhead. I’m offended that a teenage model was selected to vamp and pose when she’s supposed to represent an eleven year old girl. I’m offended that a publishing company, people who work in BOOKS, could know so little about a classic piece of children’s literature that they’d miss the mark so completely on who the main character is. Do you not understand how crucial Anne’s red hair is to her life? How it is a major factor in her temper, her vanity, her imagination, everything that makes her our favourite little Anne with a “e”? It is that red hair that leads to her blowup with Rachel Lynde; to her accidentally dying her hair green in a fit of vanity; to that fateful moment when Gilbert Blythe calls her “Carrots” and gets a slate broken over his head, providing the impetus for one of the sweetest literary love stories I’ve ever read. It is that red hair that makes Anne… Anne.
Oh, and this may have escaped your notice, but Anne? She’s a CHILD. A precocious, imaginative, 11-year-old orphan who daydreams about fairies and talks to imaginary friends that live in her mirror. She is young and she is innocent and she most certainly is NOT a buxom blonde teenager chillin’ in a haystack. If anything, that’s something Ruby Gillis would do in her later years, amiright? (You probably don’t get that, but trust me, if you’d read the books you’d get a chuckle out of that reference).
But hey, maybe this is just an honest mistake. Maybe this is an entire publishing company comprised of people who’ve never cracked open a book in their life. I suppose it’s possible. But if I might make a suggestion? Maybe you could try at least skimming the books you publish before dreaming up covers as disappointing and heartbreaking as this. You work in PUBLISHING. This book is a CLASSIC. Get your shit together. And if you do decide to finally give this book a read, I suggest starting with Chapter 27: “Vanity and Vexation of Spirit.” It’ll give you some wonderful insight into why trying to change Anne’s hair colour is never a good idea.
Oh, and for the record? If the thought process was that little girls would prefer a blonde heroine over a redhead, I’d just like to say that as a blonde child, there was nothing in the world I wanted more than to be just like Anne Shirley – right down to her ginger locks. Which is probably why in high school I went from this:
It is that time of year again, kiddies! Awards season time! I don’t know why I care so much, I always get unnecessarily worked up when I KNOW full well that half the times all the winners are political and that they don’t even mean anything, but guess what: I DON’T CARE. I LIVE for awards shows. For those moments when someone wins for the first time and are genuinely surprised; those moments when an upset has taken place and EVERYONE is surprised; when someone cries during their speech; when someone makes me laugh during their speech… I love it all. And no award show is more rife with memorable and hilarious moments than the Golden Globes, the only award show where the attendees get progressively drunker as the night progresses. It’s genius. And tonight’s awards show is hosted by two of my all-time favourite women, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
I AM SO EXCITED. Tonight, I will be having some people over to watch the awards with me and to join me in my snarky commentary, my irrational rage, and my undeserved excitement and pride when someone I want to win, wins. It’s going to be awesome.
Once again, I have broken down my predictions for the night’s winners: Who should win, and who really will. I like to think I’m getting pretty good at predicting these things but, as I said, nothing delights me more than a surprising upset. Let’s dig in, shall we?
Best Motion Picture – Drama Will Win:Zero Dark Thirty Should Win:Argo
I’m not 100% on this, Lincoln could very well take it, but I suspect the buzz behind Zero Dark Thirty will push it to the top. And though I’d have personally picked The Impossible as the best drama of the year, of the options available I’d say that I’d want to give it up for Argo - somehow both quietly intense and surprisingly funny, it’d make my night to see Affleck’s flick get the gold. Don’t see it happening though.
Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy Will Win:Silver Linings Playbook Should Win:Les Misérables
I liked Silver Linings Playbook, and I am not opposed to its inevitable victory per say, but Les Misérables was an incredible feat. It wasn’t easy bringing that beloved stage show to life and most theatre geeks would agree that somehow, they pulled it off. However, Silver Linings Playbook has a mystifying amount of buzz around it and I’d honestly be surprised if the Weinsteins’ lobbying didn’t pay off.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama Will Win: Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln Should Win: Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln
It’s no contest. Even if you didn’t like Lincoln, it’s hard to argue with Daniel Day-Lewis’ performance. From his soft-spoken demeanor to his slouching gait, that man WAS Abraham Lincoln.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama Will Win: Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty Should Win: Naomi Watts for The Impossible
Naomi Watts’ performance is one of the strongest on film this past year and I’ve already heard many of her fellow actors agree with me in various interviews. I am fairly certain she will walk away with the SAG Award in a few weeks but tonight? I am not sure. I could be wrong, and I certainly hope I am, but I suspect Chastain will take it this year. I haven’t seen Zero Dark Thirty yet, so it’s hard to say whether she deserves it or not, but I’ve been a fan of hers for a while so I’d find it hard to begrudge her the win. But seriously guys, TEAM NAOMI. All the way.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy Will Win: Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook Should Win: Hugh Jackman for Les Misérables
Again, Silver Linings‘ buzz is going to carry it through this category. Plus, Bradley will be benefiting from what I like to call the “Chris Colfer Effect” of giving a touching, dramatic performance in a “comedic” work – gives people an easy out. And it’s a shame because Hugh Jackman’s performance was leagues above Cooper’s, especially when it comes to emotional nuance. And the man had to sing while doing it. That’s award-worthy.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy Will Win: Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook Should Win: Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook
If anyone else wins this one, I will honestly be shocked. Not only is Lawrence Hollywood’s “It” girl at the moment, she’s in one of the only flicks in this category that everyone voting is sure to have seen. That said, I LOVE this girl. I will be more than happy to see her walk away with a Golden Globe.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Will Win: Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Master Should Win: Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained
This is a toughy, kids. I’m actually not sure who is going to take it. My gut says Hoffman is The Master‘s only shot at an award and so they’ll give it to him, but recognizable names like Alan Arkin and Tommy Lee Jones could cause an upset. For my money, I’d like to see Django get a little love and, yes, to have my childhood crush Leo get the recognition would be a glorious moment for 13-year-old me, but of the two performances I gotta say, Waltz acts circles around Leo. He deserves it.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture Will Win: Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables Should Win: Anne Hathaway for Les Misérables
Best Director – Motion Picture Will Win: Steven Spielberg for Lincoln Should Win: Ben Affleck for Argo
Bigelow has a shot, and she could prove me wrong, but it’s hard to argue against a recognizable name like Spielberg. And while I liked Lincoln, it didn’t feel particularly “Speilbergian” to me, if that makes sense. If this was a perfect world, I’d get to see Ben Affleck FINALLY get recognition for proving himself to be a legitimate director. But this is not a perfect world.
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture Will Win:Lincoln: Tony Kushner Should Win:Django Unchained: Quentin Tarantino
They might throw Quentin a bone for Django, but I really doubt it. Tony Kushner is a critical darling so I think he might take this one, though don’t count out David O. Russell for Silver Linings Playbook. For the record though, Rian Johnson was robbed of a nomination for The Looper screenplay. ROBBED.
Best Original Song – Motion Picture Will Win:Skyfall: Adele, Paul Epworth (“Skyfall”)
Half of these songs I’d never even heard of. Bon Jovi did a song for a movie called Stand Up Guys?! There’s a movie called Stand Up Guys?! What the hell is up with this category?!? Whatever, I’m giving it to Adele because it’s Adele and who doesn’t vote for Adele? I mean, Taylor Swift has a shot I suppose, but since this is all Skyfall can potentially win this year, I’m hoping they’ll give it to them.
Best Original Score – Motion Picture Will Win:Lincoln: John Williams Should Win:Cloud Atlas: Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek, Tom Tykwer
Personally, I dug the score of Cloud Atlas the most, and hey, maybe the HFP will agree with me. But I strongly suspect that seeing John Williams’ name on a ballot will be hard not to check off….
Best Animated Film Will Win:Frankenweenie
Unfortunately, of the nominated animated flicks the only one I saw was Brave which, admittedly, I really liked, but I wouldn’t say it was the best animated film of the year with any confidence. But everyone and their mother seems to love Frankenweenie, and Tim Burton usually nails it, so I’m gonna say Frankenweenie will edge out the competition.
Best Foreign Language Film Will Win:Amour
Again, haven’t seen any of these nominees (yet, I have plans to see Amour later this week!) but Amour is already up for Best Film and Best Actress at the Oscars. I think it’s a pretty safe bet.
Best Television Series – Drama Will Win:Homeland Should Win:Homeland
Breaking Bad is insanely popular, but Homeland is the runaway hit of the past year. I’ve only watched the first season so far but yeah, it’s fantastic, it’s totally going to win.
Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy Will Win:Modern Family Should Win: Girls
Confession: I don’t watch Girls. I will, one day, I’m sure I will. But thus far I just haven’t been able to talk myself into doing it. That said, I have heard from many reputable sources that it’s brilliant, and I kinda find myself having a girl crush on Lena Dunham after following her on Twitter this past year. I think it’d be great to see a smart, real comedy from a talented young woman win, but Modern Family is a juggernaut. This might be a bit of an uphill battle for those Girls…
Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television Will Win:Hatfields & McCoys Should Win:The Hour
Americans do love their British miniseries imports, so The Hour definitely has a shot, but The Hatfields & McCoys is about cowboys and has Kevin Costner in it. I don’t like my lovely little Brits’ chances.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama Will Win: Damian Lewis for Homeland Should Win: Damian Lewis for Homeland
Cranston could take it. Cranston usually takes it. Everyone loves Cranston and I am no exception. But Damian Lewis KILLS it on Homeland. He is the sexiest/scariest ginger ever. I also really love Jeff Daniels on The Newsroom but I’m not sure the majority agree with me…
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama Will Win: Claire Danes for Homeland Should Win: Claire Danes for Homeland
No contest. This is Claire’s to lose. Nashville is too new, The Good Wife‘s heat has died down, and while this is Glenn Close’s final year with Damages, I don’t think anyone really cares. And Michelle Dockery is great and all, but she’s one of the least likable characters on Downton. No, this is Claire’s award, just give it to her now.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy Will Win: Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock Should Win: Louis C.K. for Louie
There’s a small, hopeful part of me that thinks, “Louis might just take this! Louis could totally win!” And then I remember 30 Rock is ending and everyone loves Alec and also Jim Parsons is everyone’s favourite thing about Big Bang and oh what’s the use =(
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy Will Win: Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep Should Win: Amy Poehler for Parks and Recreation/Tina Fey for 30 Rock
I honestly don’t know what I want here. I mean, Amy deserves it. She’s deserved it for years. She is INCREDIBLE on Parks & Rec. But Tina! My spirit animal is Liz Lemon and she is leaving me soon! Honestly, I would just love to see either of the hosts win because you just KNOW they’ll play it up for the rest of the night. That said, Julia Louis-Dreyfus is well-loved and she scooped that Emmy award out from under both my lovely ladies so it wouldn’t exactly be a shock if she pulled it off again here.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television Will Win: Kevin Costner for Hatfields & McCoys Should Win: Benedict Cumberbatch for Sherlock
Cumberbatch. CUMBERBATCH. Anyone who doesn’t vote for this man has their head up their ass, sorry. Yeah yeah, I’m biased and want his babies or whatever, but seriously go watch Sherlock and tell me that man isn’t a genius actor. But sadly, Kevin Costner is a big, recognizable name. And he played a cowboy. And who DOESN’T love Cowboy Costner? He’ll take it. And I’ll weep.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television Will Win: Julianne Moore for Game Change
I haven’t seen any of these performances. I’ve fallen behind in American Horror Story, watched only the first ep of Political Animals (though my mother watched it and LOVED it and was totally bummed when I had to break it to her that it was canceled) and everything else just never crossed my radar. I feel fairly confident that the combination of a hot button topic and a major star playing a recognizable political figure should guarantee this one for Julianne.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television Will Win: Mandy Patinkin for Homeland Should Win: Mandy Patinkin for Homeland
I might be wrong. Eric Stonestreet is insanely popular (I like Cam, but Mitchell and Phil make me laugh WAY more, sorry) but Homeland‘s popularity keeps growing and Patinkin’s popularity keeps growing with it. I think Saul and his trusty beard might be a lock.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television Will Win: Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey Should Win: Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey
It’s MAGGIE SMITH. Who doesn’t love Maggie Smith? She’s easily the best part of Downton Abbey and she’s Britain’s answer to Betty White – everyone loves her and gives her all the awards because she is old and adorable. I know she won’t be there, but I’d KILL for an acceptance speech from the Dowager…
Those are my picks! Agree? Disagree? We’ll see how it plays out tonight!
PS I started one of those “My favourite movies/shows of 2012″ posts but it took me too long to narrow my list down and say what I wanted to say about each pick and I feel like the window to put in my two cents has passed. If anyone is actually interested I can still post it, but otherwise here it is in list form:
MY TOP 12 MOVIES OF 2012 12) Lincoln
11) Much Ado About Nothing
10) Silver Linings Playbook
9) Pitch Perfect
8) Cloud Atlas
7) Les Miserables
6) Argo
5) The Avengers
4) Django Unchained
3) Cabin In The Woods
2) The Impossible
1) Looper
MY TOP 12 TV SHOWS OF 2012
12) The Newsroom
11) Face Off
10) Archer
9) Scandal
8) New Girl
7) Walking Dead
6) Parenthood
5) Community
4) Parks & Recreation
3) Doctor Who
2) Sherlock
1) Being Human
(Truthfully, those top 6 shows are kind of all tied for number one. What can I say? I love my stories.)
Feel free to rant at me about any of my picks, I am always up for talking about my favourite pieces of pop culture.
Growing up in my house, there were a lot of films, songs, shows, etc. that my brother and I consumed with such frequency and regularity, that we assumed that EVERYONE watched, listened to, read, etc. the same things. It wasn’t until we got a little older that we realized, “Wait… you mean other kids didn’t watch The Hilarious House of Frightenstein before school? And not everyone knows all the words to “Surfin’ Bird” by age 6? And what do you mean you’ve never heard of Santa Claus: The Movie?! Dudley Moore and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is in it, I mean COME ON!” The Monster Squad is one such example of a film that was so much a part of my childhood development, it baffles me that it wasn’t standard in all kids’ Halloween traditions.
And when I say standard, I mean standard. Our Halloween routines were fairly predictable: dig the boxes out from under the stairs; go through them to see what decorations were useable, what needed replacing, etc. while dad made a new “spooky” mixtape; go pumpkin picking; battle the parents on whether we needed new costumes or we could use stuff from previous years; watch The Halloween That Almost Wasn’t (HOLY CRAP THE WHOLE THING IS ONLINE I LOVE THE INTERNET SO MUCH RIGHT NOW), Ghostbusters, Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, and The Monster Squad. Eventually, Ernest Scared Stupid and Hocus Pocus made the rotation as well. I honestly assumed everyone watched these flicks at Halloween, kinda like how everyone watched Rudolph and The Grinch and whatnot. Turns out, not so much. It wasn’t until university when I met other weirdos that had seen this flick before and loved it like I did. To this day, I get REALLY over enthusiastic when discussing the film and tend to freak anyone out when they say they’ve seen it because I immediately want to be their best friend.
Quick Summary:
First, how boss is that tagline? I freaking love it. Anyway! This is the story of Sean, a smart-ass nerdy kid who loves horror flicks.
He and I should probably get married. But I digress. Sean is the president of his own nerdy club called “The Monster Squad” whose members include Sean; his best friend/sidekick Patrick; their overweight friend who they literally call “Fat Kid” through the majority of the flick; Rudy, the bad ass who is way too old to be hanging out with these kids; Eugene, who is way too young to be hanging out with these kids; and Phoebe, Sean’s five-year-old sister who isn’t really in the club but wants to be and is around all the time so practically is.
These kids eventually stumble upon the diary of Abraham Van Hesling that happened to show up in their small American town. You know, as they do. Coincidentally, guess who else shows up in town?
It seems that Dracula wants to take over the world and to do it he needs Frankenstein’s monster, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, the Wolfman (who just happens to live in this town) and the Mummy to help him. So, they all gather in this small, unnamed town, searching for this magical amulet that is usually concentrated good but once every hundred years can be shattered and used for pure evil. Much like the diary, it somehow got here from Transylvania. (or maybe Germany?) IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW, GUYS, OK? All that matters is that it is up to The Monster Squad, Scary German Guy (that is how he is listed in the credits, THAT IS HIS NAME) and a turncoat Frankenstein (they all call him Frank, so even though I KNOW HE’S NOT CALLED THAT, I’m calling him that. Deal with it) to stop Dracula and his buddies from taking over the world. And if they can do it with a bitchin’ 80s montage well, then, all the better!
Thoughts as I watched:
* Fun fact: I have always and will always associate the Tri Star logo with the opening of this film.
Unrelated, the old school Disney logo opening always reminds me of Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Yeah, I’m odd…
* While the movie as a whole isn’t particularly scary, this whole opening at Dracula’s castle in Transylvania 100 years ago spooked me out as a kid.Very atmospheric, I dig it.
* Dracula turning from a bat into a FULLY DRESSED man, cape and all, always makes me chuckle.
THAT’S the lack of realism I take issue with – Drac’s clothes. Nothing else, apparently. I’m dumb.
* Van Helsing is supposed to be German; the girl is chanting in German; this beginning is taking place in Transylvania; So why does Van Helsing speak suck perfect English?
BECAUSE HE’S JUST THAT AWESOME, THAT’S WHY.
*
Or… the 80s. Close enough.
* Sean’s shirt needs to be my shirt and it needs to be my shirt NOW.
Why have I never bought and/or made this myself?! Perfect shirt.
* “Mrs. Carlson is a nice teacher and all, but she’s boring and has an odd-shaped head. That’s why Sean and the guys call her “Meow Mix”, cuz her head is shaped like a cat’s head. But I don’t sir, cuz how rude!”
Patrick is clearly the comedy relief.
* This is an educator that connects with kids. He is Mr. Belding and Mr. Kotter all rolled into one.
“I think science is cool. I dig it man!”
* I always block out the part where Sean repeatedly refers to his principal as a homo. I know he’s a 12-year-old in the 80s, but… ugh. It makes me sad.
* Poor Horace Fat Kid…
It can’t be easy having Kevin Arnold’s big brother as a bully.
Don’t worry Fat Kid, Rudy’s got your back!
You can tell he’s a bad ass on account of the leather jacket and the fingerless gloves and the sunglasses and the greased up black hair and the smoking on school grounds… Oh, and the fact that he looks at least three years older than everyone else. And when he tells you to eat a squished up candy bar, you damn well better eat that squished up candy bar!
* Sean and Patrick argue about whether or not Wolfman can drive a car or has genitalia. I once argued with a friend about whether or not it’s physically possibly for a vampire to have sex if their heart doesn’t beat. I AM THESE KIDS.
* I’m not entirely sure how Rudy fits into this group. He seems to know Fat Kid, and wants to stand up for him and such, but Sean and Patrick and even five-year-old Phoebe know him purely through his reputation.
So… why is this junior high kid hanging out with 12 year olds? Did Fat Kid teach him how to read or something? Whatever, I still love him. HE’S SUCH A DREAMY BAD BOY YOU GUYS!
* Where is this plane full of corpses coming from? How did Frankenstein get on the manifest? And where was it going before Dracula got himself and the crate dopped out the chute in the bottom of the plane’s cargo hold? OH WELL, DOESN’T MATTER, THE CRATE LANDED IN PRECISELY THE RIGHT SWAMP, NO WORRIES.
“I got this!”
* Rudy is in junior high; he is CLEARLY cool. Why on earth would he even want to BE in this nerdy Monster Club?
Oh, right. Nevermind then.
* Sean’s mom just happened to buy a book at a local garage sale from “that old house on Shadowbrook Road” that was written by Van Helsing. Yeah, THAT Van Helsing. His personal diary just happened to find its way to a small town garage sale. “Now, he’s the one that fought Godzilla, right?”
Ok, Mom? You don’t have to know monster movies but could you at LEAST know your literature? I mean, really.
* I still don’t entirely understand this moment.
Always freaked me out. Weird and unnecessary.
* Meet Sean’s dad:
He’s a grizzled cop who loves his family but always puts work first. He’s in marriage counseling and has a sassy black partner.
Sean’s dad is an 80s action movie stereotype.
* I love that there is absolutely no explanation as to why there is a werewolf living in this town, or why this mummy suddenly came to life, or where the creature in the swamp came from. DON’T MATTER! THEY’RE HERE NOW! ENJOY THE RIDE!
* Sean watching a drive-in movie on his roof is my dream. DREAM.
Is there anything better than the notion that you can watch drive-in movies FREE from your roof with binoculars and McDonald’s? Answer: No there is not. I want this to be my life one day. This flick has me dreaming the impossible dream.
* Sean sees this message from his mother:
He is immediately suspicious and sets out to decode the OBVIOUSLY fake name.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Ok, first of all, Sean’s mom refers to it as the “Van Halen” diary in her note. Sean’s mom is unrealistically dumb. Second, Dracula? That was the lamest attempt to disguise your name EVER. It’s not even really an anagram! It’s just your name backwards! A little effort please sir!
* I am kind of in love with little Eugene’s dad. When his son says there are monsters in his room, his dad immediately busts into his room and begins shooing invisible monsters out to protect his son; he is a wonderful dad. When he’s told he missed one in the closet, he gets a little snarky, much like I would if woken up in the middle of the night because of monsters.
Love it.
* The group decides to team up and take down these monsters. Only this ragtag group of kids could possibly take out centuries-old creatures of evil!
“How does that dog get up here, anyway?”
* “Gentlemen, I’d just like to say three words to you: Scary. German. Guy.”
I love Scary German Guy. I love that his name is Scary German Guy. I love that he is ok with these kids calling him Scary German Guy. I love that he just totally goes along with these kids, helping them translate German diaries and driving them to abandoned houses and churches, without blinking an eye. I love that monsters don’t faze him. I love that he is introduced to us as a rather ominous figure…
…only for it to be revealed that he is just a sweet ol’ grandpa type.
Yep, nothing scarier than free pie! Fat Kid’s right, Scary German Guy is bitchin’!
* Frankenstein meeting little Phoebe by the lake is actually kind of clever.
It’s a nod to the original flick, guys! When he tosses that girl in! Guys! It’s a clever callback guys!
Naturally, the charms of a five-year-old girl are greater than the magical influence of a centuries old super villain, so Frankenstein is now on the Monster Squad too.
I wish Frankenstein’s monster was MY friend…
* When Frank realizes he’s scary?
Phoebe’s face is my face when he’s sad. Poor Frank =(
* I’ll never understand why the Mummy attacking the car is scary. I mean, he’s dead, yeah, but he’s just dust and rags and bones. What is he going to do? Grab you, and… then what? Eat you? Is that what mummies do? Isn’t he supposed to have magic powers or something? This one clearly doesn’t. Rudy has to right idea:
Unravel that bitch and he’s not much to worry about. “See ya later, Band-Aid breath!”
* Drac is tired of this bullshit. KIDS ARE NOT THAT HARD TO KILL, FELLOW MONSTERS. WATCH AND LEARN.
“Meeting adjourned.”
Drac’s kind of a BAMF.
* “Where are you going, Rudy?”
Rudy is at his most bad-ass in this moment. He pushes pass the other kids and struts right up to the vampire mistresses coming to destroy them.
That is one cool kid.
* The poor Wolfman’s junk.
It really takes a beating in this flick. And of course, this doesn’t even stop him. Rudy tried to tell you guys, there’s only ONE way to kill a werewolf!
“BANG”
Silver bullets, bitches! PS, Rudy thus far has dispatched five monsters or so. No one else has done squat.
I nominate Rudy as the new club president. Sorry, Sean.
* I love that the “virgin” they get to read the incantation is Patrick’s sister, who they refer to as being trampy numerous times in the flick. When it doesn’t work, she admits that she’s not actually a virgin. “Well, Steve! But he doesn’t count!”
*facepalm*
But what really kills me is that they seem to think only virgin chicks are applicable, since they skip over all the 12 year old boys running around and immediately get the 5-year-old to read it.
Yep. Makes sense.
* Duncan Regehr might be the best incarnation of Dracula I’ve seen. He’s ruthless, he’s scary, he’s kinda sexy…
“Give me the amulet, you bitch!”
Ok maybe not that sexy. But I dig him nonetheless.
* The kids finally get the portal open! The monsters are being dragged into Limbo! But wait! Dracula’s got Sean and is dragging him with him! Oh noes!
DON’T WORRY SEAN, VAN HELSING’S GOT YOUR BACK.
That’s right. Van Helsing came out of Limbo to grab Dracula and give Sean the thumbs up. THAT JUST HAPPENED.
* I love that a five-year-old is able to hold onto a 7 foot monster’s finger and keep him from being sucked into the vortex.
“Don’t go Frankenstein, don’t go!”
At least, for a time. But even the strength of a five-year-old’s love isn’t enough to resist the pull of a vortex. Frank is taken. But at least he gets to take a friend with him!
Farewell, Frank!
Favourite Part:
I have so many. But first? THIS. MONTAGE.
It might be my all-time favourite montage. Keep in mind, everything that happens in it happens in ONE day. ONE DAY! And that song sounds like it was written specifically for a montage. It is PERFECT montage music. It could only exist in an 80s film montage. MONTAGE! That whole scene is a thing of beauty, I love it beyond description.
Second place? It’s a tie. And both parts involve poor ol’ Fat Kid.
“Wolfman’s got nards!” Best line in the history of monster movie cinema. I love it so much. Nards might be the most underappreciated euphemism for male genitalia I have ever heard. And Fat Kid’s face!
He is just so stunned. And probably a little afraid of the concept of werewolf reproduction. Can’t blame him for that.
And then… there’s this glorious, glorious moment:
The gun cock! The musical sting! The kid’s face! Oh my God it’s beautiful!
Fat Kid is dead. Long live Horace!
Oh, and then there’s the ending. It’s not one of my favourite parts necessarily, but you need to see the montage to appreciate it. Because in that montage, Eugene writes an ADORABLE letter to the army:
That’s the the one. And once all the chaos is done and the vortex is closed, guess who shows up?
The army not only responds to Eugene’s letter, THEY RECEIVED IT THE DAY IT WAS SENT AND MOBILIZED IMMEDIATELY. I don’t think you understand how hilarious and ridiculous and absolutely PERFECT this is.
When they see there’s nothing left for them, they demand answers!
CLOSE ON A BITCHIN’ 80S RAP SONG!
Why I love it:
Because it’s just… incredible. It’s incredible. It’s a love note to every monster movie ever made. It’s a time capsule of 80s gloriousness. It’s the perfect movie for kids that are too young for REALLY scary movies, but too old to watch Disney or cartoons (For the record, I am a firm believer that you are NEVER too old for Disney or cartoons). Plus, you get all kinds of naughty PG 13 swearing and violence! It’s a movie that reminds me of my childhood, of how much I loved the weird and scary, how nerdy I was and how I would have killed for a club like Sean’s with a bunch of nerdy friends to talk about monsters with. I love it because even as an adult, I can still relate to that inner nerdy kid who could talk monsters all day every day.
Alright friends and neighbours, let’s dig into John Carpenter’s The Thing, shall we?
I adore this movie. The first time I ever watched it was with my father. I don’t remember how old I was (knowing my dad, younger than I should have been,) but I know that it blew my mind. Not just the special effects – which, to my mind, are far superior to most of the CG crap we see today – but the story. I may have mentioned I have a thing for tales of humanity crumbling in the face of paranoia and fear? This is just another log on the fire that fuels my dark, twisted psyche. The flick is just as much about this group of men turning on each other, not knowing who to trust and how to survive, as it is about an alien creature that kills, duplicates, and mimics other living creatures (Can you see why I usually watch this and Invasion around the same time?) It’s tense, it’s well-plotted, it’s simply well-done.
Quick summary:
At a remote research station in the Antarctic, a group of scientists take in a poor dog that was being hunted by some crazy, suicidal Norwegians.
Led by Kurt Russell at his most bearded and dashing, they investigate the Norwegian camp and find nothing except the burnt ruins of the camp, the body of a man who committed suicide, oh and this thing:
While that probably should have given them pause, it totally doesn’t. They bring it home for testing. You know, as you do. That’s when shit starts to go bad – turns out the dog isn’t a dog, it’s an alien… Thing, a Thing that is now attacking the other dogs and assimilating them. Our intrepid researchers are now catching on that this Thing ain’t from around here and can apparently look like anything or anyone. The film now turns into a game of “Who Can We Trust?” as the men in the camp begin to turn on each other and suspect one another of secretly being the Thing. Tests are performed and people die and it’s all pretty awesome. And, Spoiler Alert! Once again we find ourselves watching a film with a less than happy ending. And once again, I LOVE IT.
The overwhelming sense of paranoia is palpable throughout the film. Not only has our cast of characters started to doubt each other and themselves, but so have we the viewer. You never really see when and how those that are infected become infected. So you’re never really sure who you can trust. The panic the men feel becomes infectious and the intensity of their situation spills out into the audience.
I also need to take a moment to explain my deep and abiding love for Rob Bottin at this moment.
Mr. Bottin was all of 22 when he was put in charge of the special makeup effects design and creation for The Thing. His entire life revolved around this flick for a year and he even managed to get himself hospitalized for exhaustion by the end of it. But all the time and effort was worth it because good GOD are the effects in this film stunning.
I mean, LOOK AT THOSE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. That man, at 22(!) was responsible for every creepy, gross, eye-popping moment (sans the dog creature which was done by Stan Winston after Bottin got himself hospitalized) and for that, I love him.
Thoughts as I watched:
*
Done with an animation cell, a fish tank filled with smoke, and a plastic garbage bag lit on fire. WHAT UP SIMPLICITY.
* If anyone in that camp spoke Norwegian, all of this could have been avoided.
If that’s not a motivator to learn new languages I don’t know what is.
* Oh, hey there Milo from those early Saved by the Bells with Miss Bliss! Nice rollerskates!
“Maybe we at war with Norway!”
* I. LOVE. MACREADY’S. HAT.
It really is a thing of beauty. I need one for my hat collection. Closer look!
If anyone bought me that hat, I’d marry them.
* The Norwegian suicide victim is so beautifully gruesome and awful.
HIS BLOOD FROZE DRIPPING OUT HIS VEINS. THAT IS FUCKED UP, GUYS. WELL PLAYED BOTTIN, WELL PLAYED.
* That dog is the best dog actor of all the dog actors. He is better than Wishbone, better than Eddie from Frasier, all of them. HE SCARES ME. The intelligence that seems to be radiating out of him, the way he watches people, the calculated way he moves, just his face!
You are totally sketchy and I WOULD NOT TRUST YOU, PUPPY!
I love dogs wholly and unconditionally but this one I’d make sleep outside. Away from others. Eesh.
* I just need to show this again so we can appreciate how fucked up and disgusting it is.
This is not something I want in the same general vicinity as me, let alone the same room. THAT IS NOT RIGHT, FELLAS. WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT IS NOT RIGHT. Alllllll your inner alarms should be blaring!
* THE DOG PEN SCENE. I HATE THIS MOTHER FUCKING SCENE MORE THAN ANYTHING. IT BREAKS MY HEART AND UPSETS THE SHIT OUT OF ME EVERY TIME I WATCH. THOSE POOR, POOR PUPPIES =(
YOU STUPID EFFIN ALIEN, LEAVE THOSE PUPPIES ALONE =(
That thing is pretty damn cool lookin’, though.
* Clark (played by Vada Sultenfuss’ uncle Phil) loves dogs. He loves them as much as I love them. His breakdown when they have to kill them is incredibly relatable for me.
Clark is a saaaaaad panda
I feel ya, Clark.
* Wilfred Brimley’s Blair is apparently some sort of super scientist genius man, because he pieces together in NO TIME that this is an organism that can imitate other life forms perfectly and that anyone who’d been alone with the dog was suspect. It seriously takes him like, an hour or two. He figures it out well before the sunrises at least. Why has he been banished to the south pole if he’s this smart? I want to know his back story.
“Hey guys, so I figured out what’s going on with this Thing, made a sandwich, took a nap and cured cancer. What’ve you been up to?”
* Blair tells them all this Thing can imitate other life forms and absorb them. Ok, fine – camp accepts that. MacReady tells them he think it’s an alien from outer space and suddenly it’s all totally unbelievable “voodoo bullshit”. Personally, I’d buy it was an alien before I’d buy it was native to our planet and just undiscovered in the frozen tundra of Antarctica.
Blair has got himself some pretty high tech gear down there at the south pole….
* Once the first member of the team is taken over, things really get interesting. I always try and figure out at what point each character gets infected and who is human and who is not and I can never figure it out. I think Blair is a Thing at this point? But maybe not. The only one I know for sure is this guy:
And he ain’t long for this world.
* I love Blair’s freak out in the comm room. He is raving mad at this point and while he makes a lot of good points about stopping the Thing from spreading, how the Thing doesn’t want to be a dog it wants to be a man, some of them are probably already infected, etc. I’m still not entirely sure if he’s infected and faking it, or really just paranoid to the point of madness. And that makes me paranoid.
Don’t mess with Wilfred Brimley, he will fuck you up.
NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED, GUYS.
* Seriously, when do these people get infected?! I can never quite figure it out! Was Palmer the one the dog went to see in the beginning?? Or was it Norris?? Who sabotaged the blood? And how did they do it?! YOU GUYS THIS MOVIE MESSES WITH MY HEAD SO MUCH AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH BUT I WANT TO KNOW EXACTLY WHEN AND HOW THIS ALL CAME DOWN.
* I love that MacReady is ready to blow everyone up just to save his own hide. And, you know, to stop the Thing.
* OH GOOD GOD BLAIR ATTACKING GARRY IS THE WORST HOW DID HE DO THAT TO HIS FACE AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH
Favourite part/Scariest part:
They are one and the same – Norris’ heart attack. I love a lot of moments in this flick, but this? This has be my favourite.
It’s shocking, it’s gross, and it’s totally hilarious. It also always manages to make me jump. Yeah, the dog scene is fucked up and pretty terrifying, but it doesn’t scare me so much as upset me. Norris’ chest growing teeth and chomping on the poor doc’s arms?
Yeah, that scares me.
Did I mention how stellar I find these effects? This scene epitomizes that for me. The chest growing teeth, the creature rising up out of the chest, the head disconnecting, the head GROWING LEGS…
It is bananas. The whole thing, bananas. Also, that skittering little head with legs trying to evade MacReady makes me giggle.
*Casual whistling*
Next favourite scene? The blood test.
(It’s long, but it’s worth every minute)
It’s a classic for a reason, folks.
Why I love it:
Once again, bleak, bleak ending dudes. Not quite as bleak as Invasion, at least in this case the human race isn’t necessarily doomed, but still. MacReady and Childs are the only survivors, left in the burnt out remains of their camp. They basically admit that they can’t trust each other, but neither of them are in any shape to DO anything about it. So they just lay there, either waiting for the other to attack them, or death to come. We never see which happens. I like to think they were both human and died saving our species from the Thing, though.
See? Who says I’m a pessimist!
Next we will be visiting one of my childhood favourites and an 80s cult classic I try to make everyone I know watch at least once – The Monster Squad!
It just wouldn’t be “Aliens and Monsters Week” without Invasion of the Body Snatchers now would it?
Now, there have been a lot of versions of this tale over the years. And while I can appreciate the original 1956 film, in my heart of hearts, there’s just no topping the ’78 version starring Donald Sutherland. It’s bleaker. It’s spookier. It is, in many ways, a post apocalyptic film, with alien pod people instead of zombies chasing down our survivors and trying to turn them. I love it to death, it’s one of my all-time favourite sci-fi flicks. Plus, not only do we get 70s Donald Sutherland with his charming fro…
We get young, foxy Jeff Goldblum. Who can complain about that!
Quick Summary:
Basically, aliens have landed and are taking over the world, one person at a time. They are able to duplicate any living thing and take over their lives. The first such victim is the boyfriend of Elizabeth, our female lead and work wife to the Donald Sutherland’s Matthew. Elizabeth thinks Geoffrey has changed. As time passes, she now thinks everyone has changed. She is worried she’s going crazy, so Matthew sends her to his psychiatrist friend.
Wait, I thought Bones was the doctor…
He tells her it’s just her trying to find an excuse to get out of this relationship. Psychiatrist of the year, folks. While Elizabeth starts doubting, Matthew’s friends Jack and Nancy find a little surprise waiting for them in their mud baths.
And so begins our four plucky protagonists’ fight for survival. Matthew finally catches on that Elizabeth isn’t crazy and that this is an alien invasion. Now they must try to stay alive and keep the invasion from spreading – not an easy task.
One of my favourite things about this flick is the invasion itself – the idea that aliens could invade us as quietly as through a rainstorm.
Who says they have to be our size, or command impressive intergalactic spaceships? An organism as small as a raindrop can fuck plenty of shit up without a laser gun. And how would you fight it? The elegance and simplicity are what make it so terrifying. As one character points out, “Why not a space flower? Why do we always expect metal ships?” Though, to be fair to dear Goldblum’s Jack, he immediately responds that he NEVER expected metal ships. God I love him.
Highlights:
There are so many moments in this flick that I love. Including!
* Robert Duvall has the smallest cameo as a priest on a swing.
Apparently, he was paid for that cameo with an Eddie Bauer jacket. I can’t tell you how delightful I find that.
* When Pod-Geoffrey takes out the garbage the next morning.
Are we supposed to think that’s what garbage looks like??
It’s eerie and you’re not quite sure why, and once you realize exactly what he’s disposing of there, it’s a little gross.
* I am really fond of Elizabeth and Matthew’s relationship. They are the epitome of work husband and wife.
I mean, sure, he has a bit of a crush on her but whatever. He doesn’t pine, he isn’t inappropriate, he is respectful of her relationship and her boundaries. And they can talk and laugh and make work easier and more enjoyable for each other. I mean, yeah, once they realize her live-in boyfriend is a pod person and they’re on the run for their lives they totally fall in love, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m talking that initial comradery and friendship. That’s the dream, folks.
* The overwhelming feeling of paranoia in this flick is just delicious. I love watching Elizabeth spin into madness as she begins to doubt herself and everyone around her. And listening to her describe it, she sounds crazy – but we know she’s not. And when we walk through her day and see what she sees, you completely understand her fear. Who can you trust?
* The garbage really, really freaks me out.
It doesn’t really look like anything, and yet…. you can kinda tell those are the dusty remains of people, right? You can see it? Or maybe it’s just me. I JUST DON’T WANNA END UP LIKE THAT, GUYS. I REALLY DON’T.
* Kevin McCarthy’s cameo. Not only is it a direct callback to the original ’56 flick, but the way it ends!
(ignore the subtitles, sorry)
The original film ended with, I won’t say an “optimisitic” tone, but the lead was at least still alive and trying to warn people. This time, it shows how long he’d really last with the pod people on his tail. Did I mention this one was bleak?
* Goldblum is at his Goldblum-iest best in his first appearance here. He is the quintessential tortured writer filled with pretension and bitterness. I want to marry him.
“Takes me six months to write one line, I pick each word individually.”
* The pods themselves are so gross and weirdly unsettling. Watching them birth a pod person is also creepy as hell.
“LOVE. ME!”
* God damn I love those pod people shrieks. So much scarier then just the pointing for the original.
* Jack sacrificing himself to lead the pod people away is brave and beautiful and makes me love the Goldblum all the more.
“Here I am, you pod bastards! Hey, pods! Come and get me you scum!”
* I always think, “I could fool those pod people, I’d be able to keep a blank face,” and then this part happens and I shout as loud as Elizabeth does:
* Matthew running to the boat, the strains of “Amazing Grace” blaring as he makes his way to what he believes will be their salvation, only to find…
WAH WAHHHHHH.
So depressingly dreary. Such a bummer. And then he comes back and Elizabeth is taken and she crumbles to dust in his arms and her clone is beckoning him and ahhhhhh…
Favourite part/Scariest part:
They are one and the same: That ending. THAT. ENDING.
That perfect, awful, unhappy kick-in-the-ass ending. I love it. I love it so much. I love that it gives you hope, makes you think for a second that Matthew is just playing along. I love poor Nancy’s cautious, hopeful face as she approaches Matthew. I love his face when he screams. I love that it’s so grim, so final and just such a downer. I love the immediate credit roll with no score or musical accompaniment. I LOVE IT.
Why I love it:
I have this weird fondness for movies that don’t have a happy ending. I appreciate them. In school I remember friends accusing me of being a pessimist whenever I would shoot down their grand schemes for the summer or their unrealistic plans for the future. “I’m not pessimistic, I’m realistic!” I’d insist. And I think that’s why I dig this film. Not so much for the realism of aliens taking over the planet by cloning us, but the realism of, if that happened, if that actually did happen, we’d all be fucked. No one would believe it was happening until it was too late to stop it and by that point, when a whole city has been taken over, your own assimilation is just inevitable. You can try and pass as a pod person for days, weeks, maybe even months but eventually, they’d get you. And it’d all be over. That’s reality, baby.
How I reconcile this belief with my equally strong belief that I could survive the zombie apocalypse is a question better tackled by mental heath professionals than I.
Next! One of my all-time favourites: John Carpenter’s The Thing.
Oh man, am I ever excited for this one, guys. For this one, I am rewatching Slither - one of the grossest, funniest, weirdest alien/parasite/zombie movies I’ve personally ever seen. As you may recall, I’m a bit of a James Gunn fangirl. And if Dawn of the Dead made me a fan, this flick made me love him unconditionally. It’s got Nathan Fillion, for Christ’s sake. COME ON.
He even has a cameo as an adorably dorky teacher!
Heart you, sir!
This is another one where I can’t remember how I first saw it. I’ve watched it so many times I feel like I’ve always owned it. I would have been in university, I suspect I rented it, and I am almost positive I watched it alone because I can’t think of anyone, save maybe my brother, who would have actually sat through this with me. I’m sure I rented it simply because Nathan Fillion was in it, and then when I found out it was written and directed by James Gunn, well, all the better! All I know for sure is that the film still manages to gross me out (I gag every time a slug tries to work it’s way in someone’s mouth) and make me laugh hysterically (I go back and forth on whose lines I love more, Nathan Fillion’s or Gregg Henry’s) to this day.
Quick summary:
A meteor crashes to earth in the middle of a buckfutt nowhere town in the south. Riding that meteor into town is a disgusting parasitic alien, that takes residence in the town’s local car dealer named Grant Grant.
Grant is married to Starla, who is a loving and doting wife.
He loves her so much, even as a slug-like alien monster, he can’t bring himself to infect her with his young. So he seeks out another hapless victim, stuffs her full of slug larvae, and feeds her until she explodes.
You sure about that, Brenda?
This leads to the release of hundreds of these slug-like parasites, that begin taking over the townsfolk by crawling into their mouths and attaching themselves to their brains.
They turn into hive-minded zombie-like creatures, all controlled by Grant, who become hellbent on infecting others and capturing Starla so they can bring her home. But little do these alien parasites know who they’re fucking with.
I’m Bill Pardy!
Nathan Fillion is the chief in this here town and it’s up to him, Starla, and some poor young girl who managed to fight off a slug attack while taking a bath to stop them before they take over the world. In case I wasn’t clear, this flick is GROSS and it is HILARIOUS. I love it.
Highlights:
Jesus, where do I even begin? This movie is chock full of moments that delight and disgust me. Let’s break it down, shall we?
* Once the police catch on that Grant is changing, they keep referring to him “looking like a squid”. They try to track his progress through the town so they can catch up to him and, well…
The little squid stickers they use to track his progress on that map cracks me up.
* The first death we see, and the first real “OMG!” moment (for me at least) is when Grant kills one of Pardy’s deputies by splitting him in half with a tentacle.
It’s perfectly timed, and appropriately disgusting.
* Speaking of disgusting…
Did I mention how awful and awesome this is? Because it is.
* Starla. Starla, it turns out, is a bit of a badass. She shoots Wally right in the head.
And later she stabs the shit out of one of the other deputy-zombies.
She also is willing to make nice with this thing:
BOO!
just to get close enough to stab it.
UGH, TOO CLOSE TOO CLOSE!
That takes some balls. As Jack so aptly put it, “Bitch is hardcore!”
* “Shelby, are you nodding?”
* Pardy’s reaction to all the infected people joining the massive blob that Grant has become and getting absorbed into his body:
You said it, sir.
* When poor Jack is finally taken and impregnated with slugs, he begs Pardy to shoot him.
“Bill! Shoot me!”
“K!”
He complies without hesitation. And I laugh.
* The whole climactic grenade scene, where Pardy runs in all dramatic, makes a sarcastic quip before preparing to launch the grenade, then getting his ass kicked by Grant’s tentacles and literally watching his plan blow up in his face. It’s just wonderful.
* Pardy is finally able to defeat Grant when Grant tries to impregnate him with slugs and Pardy sticks one of his tentacles into a propane tank and screams at Starla to shoot it. The result?
KA-BLAMMO!
IT’S SO GROSS I LOVE IT SO MUCH OH MY GOD.
* I honestly don’t know who makes me laugh more – Chief Pardy or Mayor MacReady. I mean, Bill gave me this delightful moment…
Bill Pardy: “Hell, if he had a ‘gina, you’d'a married him, too.” Kid: “What’s a “‘gina”?” Bill Pardy: [after an awkward pause] “It’s a country. You know, where “Ginese” people come from.”
But then again, Jack’s reaction to the slugs is priceless…
Jack MacReady: [to Margaret] “Praise Jesus? That’s fucking pushing it! This shit’s about as far from God as shit can get! Either of you ever seen anything like that? You even heard of anything like that? Huh? Me neither… and I watch Animal Planet all the fucking time!”
Bill did compare Grant to a squid first…
Bill Pardy: “Grant looks like a squid, don’t know where he’s gonna hide… Seaworld maybe.”
But Jack had the greatest freak out over Mr. Pibb known to man…
Jack MacReady: “Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It’s the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they’re goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there’s no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?!”
Hmmmmmm…
Bill Pardy: “What?” Jack MacReady: “Lyme disease. You touch some deer feces, and then you… eat a sandwich without washin’ your hands. You got your lyme disease!” Bill Pardy: “And that makes you look like a squid?”
Oh hell, let’s call it a draw!
Jack MacReady: [referring to Grant] “He’s a goddamn Martian?” Bill Pardy: “Martians is from Mars, Jack.” Jack MacReady: [through gritted teeth] “Or it’s a general term meaning ‘outer-space fucker’.” Bill Pardy: “No it isn’t!” Jack MacReady: “Look it up, cocksucker!”
Why I love it: See above, re: gross, hilarious, James Gunn, Nathan Fillion and Gregg Henry.
And there you have it! Next up, less humour but more aliens: time to visit Invasion of the Body Snatchers!
I’d forgotten how much The Descent freaks me out until I rewatched it. And it’s not the scary cave monsters, so much as the insanely claustrophobic atmosphere of the entire film. I remember sitting in the theatre the first time I saw it, clutching the arm rest and constantly whispering to my friend “OhmygodIdon’tLIKETHIS!” And nothing was even happening. It was the tension, the anticipation, the knowledge that these women were all STUCK underground… it freaked me the hell out. And it still does, apparently, since I kept forgetting to breathe every time someone got stuck in a crevice, had to crawl on their belly to get somewhere or just found themselves enveloped in darkness. Buh. I have never considered myself claustrophobic (when I was a kid, I used to sit in the cupboard under our kitchen sink and just play for HOURS in the dark by myself, surrounded by pots and pans. That’s a true story and a little insight into how creepy I was as a kid) but I think it’s safe to say, spelunking? Not really for me.
Quick summary:
Juno, Sarah and Beth are all besties. Juno is a bit of an adrenaline junkie and often drags her friends out on extreme adventures. Beth is a school teacher and very pragmatic. Sarah’s husband and daughter died tragically right after the last expedition the ladies went on, so she’s a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Also, you find out later that Juno was totally sleeping with Sarah’s husband so, maybe not the best bestie ever. A year after her family’s deaths, Sarah is dragged out on a spelunking expedition with Juno, Beth, their friends Rebecca and Sam (sisters) and Juno’s friend Holly. Juno decides to make things really interesting, so she takes them into an unexplored cave system. Once their path collapses behind them, the team is forced to forge forward and pray for a way out. What they don’t realize is that there’s a reason these caves are mostly undiscovered. And that’s because these guys like to chill out down here:
So the ladies now find themselves trapped in the dark, underground, with no way out and these creepy-ass cave monsters hunting them like rodents. And, SPOILER ALERT! It don’t end well for them.
Here’s why I love this movie though: while the movie is sold on the concept of being a horror flick about “monsters”, you don’t actually see the fuckers until halfway into the film. There are noises, we see shadows, and so the threat is ever looming. And since the audience goes into the movie expecting monsters, the tension is constantly there, just waiting for them. But the majority of scares and anxiety in the film is caused simply by the horrific concept of being trapped underground and having to find your way out. THAT’S the true horror. And it’s brilliant.
I also love the complicated character that is Juno.
On the one hand, this whole thing is pretty much all her fault – she took them into an unknown cave, told no one, and had no backup plan for rescue. On the other hand, when those creatures attack Holly and try to drag her away, Juno is right in there fighting them off and stabbing them with her rock-climbing gear.
LIKE A BOSS. On that first hand again though, she does end up accidentally stabbing Beth and leaving her for dead.
Oops.
And she didn’t even die. She lived long enough to sell Juno out to Sarah. Double oops. On the other hand yet again, she does show up and save Becca and Sam. Once more, LIKE A BOSS.
But she did sleep with Sarah’s husband. But she does refuse to leave the cave without Sarah. COMPLEX! I honestly don’t know if I love her or hate her! Say what you will about what an egomaniacal bitch she is (and she really is,) but she doesn’t back down from a fight. That said, her loyalty is more than a little fickle… But does any of that mean she deserved to die? I honestly don’t know but I do know that while I would never want her to be my friend, if I was being attacked in a cave I’d want her on my side.
Highlights:
Favourite part, scariest part, most traumatic part… a lot of them are the same here. It’s really hard to choose. Some choice moments include:
* Sarah getting stuck in that crevice.
Dear Jesus does that get me worked up. And just when I think that’s as nightmarish as it can get, THE CREVICE STARTS TO COLLAPSE. For me, it might be the scariest moment.
* Rebecca trying to climb across the ceiling of the cave when they reach a giant ravine.
It’s tense. Just watching it makes my arms hurt. And again, you find yourself constantly on edge thinking, “is this when those creatures show up? Will they attack now?”
* I audibly react whenever we see Holly’s broken leg:
UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate it. IHATEITIHATEITIHATEIT. It gets me worked up every time. Compound fractures are my worst nightmare.
* That first sighting of the creatures. It happens so fast, you’re not even sure what happened. All you’re sure of is you saw it, it was there, and the fun is about to begin.
Psssssssttttt! Behind you!
There is something about night vision that has always given me the heebie jeebies. I love when it’s utilized in horror because I think it’s terrifying, and also because I can never see it clearly which makes it somehow scarier to me. Another great moment with the night vision is Sarah coming to in the creatures’ pit o’ bones and using the night vision to look around:
That, followed by watching them eviscerate Holly’s body through Sarah’s shaky camera, is horrifying and gruesome and I love it.
Why I love it:
Besides all the previously stated reasons – less about monsters, more about atmosphere; complex characters; etc – I also really love that this is a horror flick dominated by chicks. There’s no dudes anywhere in it, no one to “rescue” the damsels and none of the characters are your typical “victim girl” archetype for horror movies. Yes, some get scared, and cry, and even run, but they never do anything stupid. They are constantly fighting for their own survival, relying on no one, not even each other. There’s a particularly interesting moment when Juno is screaming for her friends, trying to find anyone, and Rebecca and Sam, cowering, hear her and see the crawlers around them go chase after the sound of her voice. “The noise she’s making, she’ll bring every one of those things down on her head.” Rebecca whispers.”As long as it’s not on mine,” is her sister’s reply. That sums it up beautifully. Yes, they’re friends, and yes they don’t want each other to die, but girl power goes out the window when it’s about your own survival. If it’s you or me, these chicks always pick “me”. And I kinda dig that. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t go spelunking with me ever. Cave monsters or no, I’ll leave you for dead in a heartbeat.
Next up! Let’s take a gander at the gross and glorious James Gunn cult classic, Slither.
