Welcome to Day Three of Zombie Week, kiddies! Time to take a breather from all the Romero and dive into one the funniest zombie flicks out there (topped only by Shaun of the Dead, which will get its dues, don’t you fret). I’m talking, of course, about Return of the Living Dead.
Return of the Living Dead is another one of those zombie classics that I feel like I should have seen much earlier in my life, but instead watched a million times in my early adulthood to make up for all the missed viewings in my teenage years. I rented the flick one October as part of my annual month long horror movie marathon (As I said, I do this regularly; this is just the first time I’m documenting it) and fell in love. Since then, I’ve forced almost everyone I know who claims to enjoy zombies but has never seen the film to sit down and watch it with me. And if they don’t laugh, I immediately judge them.
The film is a black comedy, but still gross and a little scary. It is not only the first flick to introduce the concept of zombies as brain eaters as opposed to flesh eaters, it is also one of the first “meta” flicks, where the characters are not only aware of what zombies are and the “rules” for dealing with them, but even references the films that provided the inspiration for this film. I know. Blows the mind a little, don’t it? Also, the soundtrack is pretty badass. You know, in that 80s punk/metal kind of way.
The film revolves around workers at a medical supply factory, as well as a group of stereotypically “punk” teenagers (did I mention this is an 80s film?) trying to fight off the mass of undead who are crawling up out the graveyard and trying to eat their brains. Who will survive? Who will have their brains munched on by surprisingly articulate dead bodies come to life? Let’s get started and see, shall we?
We begin with a disclaimer:
Welp. I’m sold.
We are introduced to Frank and Freddy, workers in a medical supply warehouse. Frank is training Freddy on where to find things, like the skeletons with perfect teeth. “Where do they get these skeletons from?” Freddy wonders. “India.” Frank responds wisely. Sounds legit. They also tour the rest of the facility to see the split dogs they sell to veterinary schools and the fresh cadavers they sell to medical schools. I’m sure those cadavers won’t be important later…
Hey, why don’t we meet the punks representing our demographic, shall we?
Seriously, the preppy chick in the khakis and blouse? Totally me in high school. And the group she’s with accurately depicts the freaks I hung around with.
Anyway! Meet Spider, Trash, Chuck, Casey, Scuz and Tina. Tina, it turns out, is Freddy the warehouse worker’s girlfriend. Hey Tina, where we gonna party tonight? “Oh you guys, that’d be really rad! But I’m supposed to meet Freddy when he gets off work!” OH MY GOD TINA, WHY ARE YOU ME AND WHY WAS ANYONE EVER OUR FRIEND. The group seems to take Tina’s lameness in stride and suggest they all go pick up Freddy after work, he always knows the best places to party!
Back to Freddy and Frank doing paperwork. Hey Frank, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen working here? “Let me ask you a question, kid. You see that movie Night of the Living Dead?” As a matter of fact Frank, yes we have. “Did you know that movie was based on a true case?” Say whaaaaaat? Frank then begins to weave a compelling tale about a chemical spill at a VA hospital that made dead bodies in a morgue jump around as if alive. What chemical could do that, you might ask. Why only 245-Trioxin, DUH. Apparently after this horrendous chemical spill, the government hushed it all up and shipped all the dirt, bodies and remaining toxins to the chemical company who developed it. Except, not really because they messed up and sent it to this medical warehouse and no one bothered to rectify this mistake? So now this medical warehouse has been keeping these drums of chemical waste and cadavers that are property of the US Government in their basement. You know, just cuz. Frank, who seems really keen on impressing Freddy for some reason, takes this kid down to look at the drums.
Nope. That’s not ominous.
Freddy leans over the barrel for a closer look.
Hey, these things don’t leak, right Frank? “Leak?” Frank scoffs. “Hell no! These were made by the US Army Corps of Engineers!” He playfully slaps the barrel.
Way to go, Frank.
AND NOW… OPENING CREDITS. With some spooky awesome synth music, a melting corpse, and a demonstration of how pipes work. Pipes that lead right into that meat locker where we saw the cadaver earlier and, uh oh! That corpse is not liking his new digs so much.
Credits end and we are now at some fancy compound. A General (? I assume? I seriously know nothing of army hierarchy) comes home, is rude to his wife, and goes to his super secret spy station in his den. It’s ridiculousy 80s and hilarious. Even though I’m sure what I have on my lap right now is far most advanced, I WANT ONE. This General man is very agitated about finding something. “But when will you find them?” His wife demands. “Christ Ethel, I don’t know!” he snaps back. Lovely marriage these two have. “Maybe we’ll never find them. They could be anywhere…” Never say never, soldier boy.
Back to the punks! Joining us is Suicide, the dude they only hang out with for a ride. And why is that, Spider? “Cuz you’re one spooky motherfucker, Suicide!”
Can’t argue with that.
So it turns out Freddy doesn’t get off work for two hours. Why on earth did you show up so early?! I had friends pick me up after work to hang out ALL THE TIME in high school and the earliest they ever showed up was like, 15 minutes. You punks are pretty big on punctuality I guess… So what to do for two hours? Where can you hang out?
Sure, why not.
The kids break into the padlocked cemetery and I admit, I wouldn’t be opposed to hanging out there for awhile. I mean, assuming my boyfriend hadn’t just inadvertently released a toxin that can bring dead bodies back to life that is…
Speaking of which, let’s check in shall we? Freddy and Frank are coming to on the basement floor, gagging and coughing. They don’t feel so hot. And hey, what happened to the body in that drum? “Must have melted when it hit the air,” is Frank’s theory. Clearly, working at a medical supply warehouse requires next to no knowledge of anything even remotely related to medicine. They trudge upstairs and vow not to tell their boss anything about this, while simultaneously noting that the entire warehouse reeks of the chemical they just unleashed. As Frank brilliantly tries to solve their problem by spraying air freshener around the room, Freddy hears something. “Sounds like a dog…” Ruh roh.
So, this should upset me, a lot, and normally would (And, truth be told, the sad little dog noises it makes do make me frown reflexively) but Frank’s reaction to that half a dog cracks me up too much for me to be too upset. Besides, we’ve got bigger things than the reanimated half a corpse of a dog to worry about. Like, say, the cadaver hanging in the meat locker that, as Frank so succinctly put it, “sounds sore”? These two stumblebums rush into the office and try to figure out what’s going on. “It’s that crap from the tanks! It’s all over everything!” Frank wails. “Stupid asshole!” Freddy wails back. “Watch your tongue, boy, if you like this job!” Way to prioritize, Frank. After much debate (“Should we call the cops?” “No! the company’s reputation!” “Should we call the number on the barrel?” No! The army will be mad at us!”) they settle on calling their boss Burt. I’m sure he’s a zombie expert, right?
Trash, you are clearly the life of every party.
Back to the punks in the graveyard. Trash is discussing her death nightmares (or fantasies? It’s hard to tell with this chick) and explains that the worst way for her to die would be for a bunch of old men to surround her and start biting her and eating her alive – you picked the wrong night to hang out in a graveyard, honey – as she proceeds to take off her clothes and start dancing on gravestones. This is apparently par for the course though and none of her friends seem the least bit bothered or weirded out by this. Except maybe Tina, who is clearly my spirit animal in this flick. I don’t know how to feel about this. She’s obviously lame.
Back at cadaver central, Burt the boss has arrived and he is pissed. “I told you to stay away from those tanks!” he scolds. He paces around, fuming over the prospect that he could be sued, investigated by the government, maybe even – *gasp* – sent to jail! Meanwhile, the reanimated cadaver is still wailing in the other room. This little detail seems to bother Burt less than the prospect of losing his business though. He decides that the only way to save all their hides is to destroy all the evidence and never speak of it again. “But how do you kill something that’s already dead?” Freddy wonders. Burt seems to recall that in that movie, they destroyed the brain to kill them, right? The brain! Of course! Here’s a pickaxe, this should be easy peasy!
I. LOVE. THAT. SCENE. I laugh every time. The corpse looks like he’s made of styrofoam! The screams from the cadaver when the axe to the brain doesn’t work! The headless corpse running around like something out of a cartoon! Frank’s screams! “IT WORKED IN THE MOVIE!” “You mean the movie lied?!” LOVE LOVE LOVE. Laughter all around!
Ok, so what’s next fellas? Oh hey! There’s Burt’s old friend Ernie, the embalmer at the mortuary across the street! And they have a crematorium there too! How conveniently located! Let’s just burn these various spilt dogs and the pieces we cut this cadaver into and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN. I’m sure we can trick Ernie into going along with it!
Before we get to watch that though, we revisit our friends dancing with road flares in the cemetery. Trash is still naked, Tina is still uptight, and Suicide feels like no one understands him.
Casey and Chuck think they see Freddy carrying something into a mortuary, but why would Freddy be going into a mortuary? Therefore that is not Freddy. Good talk, kids.
Meet Ernie, your friendly neighbourhood embalmer.
He smokes a comically giant pipe and carries a gun when working. He can also educate you on the finer points of rigor mortis which may or may not be significant later. Burt asks his old buddy of 25 years for a favour: “Can I use your crematorium to burn these wriggling bags of rabid weasels?” Shockingly, Ernie is not buying this story. Ok, FINE. It’s the dismembered bits of a reanimated corpse, you happy now?
Not so much, no. Especially after one of the arms rips his pant leg.
Back to the graveyard! Chuck has a thing for Casey. Casey is a ball-buster. Spider seems to be the only person here who legitimately likes Tina. And not even romantically, just as a human being. Tina just said “Oh fudge!” and I find myself relating to her a whole lot less. Also, her headband?
PASS. Is that just a pink version of your necklace? DOUBLE PASS. And both are just phone cords, right? TRIPLE PASS.
Back at the mortuary, Ernie hears out the fellas from the warehouse and agrees to burn up all the evidence. “Some big favour,” Frank scoffs. “I could operate that goddamn thing.” JUST YOU WAIT, SIR. Anyway, they load up the cadaver bits, set the oven to extra crispy and voila! Problem solved, right?
OH SHIT. ZOMBIE ACID RAIN!
Our punk friends flee the cemetery (Trash still sans clothing) and Tina, having left to pick up Freddy, seeks shelter in the medical warehouse. “My skin burns!” Trash wails. Well, you’d be less burn-y if you had some clothes. Just sayin’. We pan to the cemetery and follow the trickling water down through the soil, into a coffin, and onto a corpse… Huh, wonder what that’ll lead to…
Burt is celebrating now that the evidence is destroyed! We did it! Everything’s a-ok! Say, you two dudes who breathed in all that toxic shit, you don’t look so hot…
In fact, you’ve been looking progressively worse as this night wears on… Our boys finally admit that they’re not feeling too hot. Burt and Ernie (HOLY SHIT HOW DID I JUST GET THIS, I AM SO EMBARRASSED) agree they should probably call paramedics.
Back to Tina in the abandoned warehouse. She finds Freddy’s hat at the entrance to the cellar and after calling his name incessantly, decides to investigate the basement even though she has no reason to think he’s there. Tina, you and I are no longer soul mates. She hears something… Who’s there?
Tina, meet Tar Man. Tar Man, Tina. He speaks pretty clearly for something that’s little more than a skeleton. He is also kind of clever. “Live brains!” He groans eagerly, as he uses a hook on a chain to pry open the door that Tina is seeking refuge behind. You understand about pulleys and levers and fulcrums, Tar Man?! You might actually be smarter than me. Tina’s friends arrive at the warehouse and hear her screaming. They run into the basement and see this:
“What the fuck?!” is right, Suicide. Too bad you stopped and surveyed the room instead of running your ass off. Now your brains are Tar Man’s lunch.
RIP Suicide. You died spooky and unloved.
Everyone hauls ass up the stairs and only Spider has the sense to try and bar the door. Maybe he’s my spirit animal…
Paramedics have arrived! Don’t worry Frank and Freddy, I’m sure they’ll fix you right up!
“No blood pressure.”
“Bodies are currently room temperature.”
Back in the warehouse, Spider has successfully barred the door and everyone is FREAKING. OUT. “What do we do? Should we call the cops?” “Hey! I don’t wanna call no cops! The cops are just gonna kick our ass!” Yep. That’s definitely what the cops would do if they found a reanimated body munching on teenage punk brains, Scuz. Well, what now? Where’s Freddy? Hey Casey, didn’t you see him going to a mortuary? Let’s cut through the graveyard in the pouring acid rain to go get him!
Wait… did you guys hear something?
Not only do I love that skeleton with PERFECT eyeballs, AND the incredible musical selection, I love that everyone splits up and TOTALLY DITCHES TRASH. Best friends forever, y’all! Oh, and RIP Trash. I will admit, dying in the manner which you described as your worst nightmare is kind of awful.
Back at the mortuary, the paramedics break it down for Frank and Freddy: “Well, it’s a puzzle. Technically, you’re not alive. Except you’re conscious so we don’t know what that means.” Well, I mean, not REALLY dead though, right? Cuz dead people don’t walk and talk… oh wait.
There’s banging and screaming at the front door so Ernie takes his trusty sidearm to investigate. Tina, Spider and Scuz have found their way to the mortuary and are begging for sanctuary. “Are you on PCP?” Ernie growls. They promise they’re not, so he lets them in. They hurriedly try to explain the situation to him – Dead people! Screaming! Coming out of the ground! – but for someone who just had his pants ripped by an animated amputated arm, Ernie is pretty skeptical.
As Casey and Chuck race back to the warehouse, they are chased by dead people moaning “BRAINS!” exactly like every zombie spoof you have ever seen in your life. This? This is where it all started people. Back to the paramedics, they hear the screaming as they come outside to get their stretcher. One offers to call it in while the other gets the stretcher.
Peace out, paramedic the first. His partner doesn’t last much longer. I will say, I absolutely appreciate how muddy and fancy-dressed everyone is, sticks with the story of all these particular zombies literally rising from the grave. Gotta love continuity!
As Burt listens to Tina and co. explain the escalating nature of the situation, he begins to realize that maybe, just maybe things have gotten a LEETLE out of hand. “There are a hundred of those things out there!” Tina cries. “A hundred?!” Burt and Ernie reply in comical unison. DUDES. COME ON. You BOTH work next to a graveyard. If she’s telling you these things are coming out of the ground, where did you think they were coming from?! OF COURSE THERE ARE A HUNDRED.
Back to Casey and Chuck, they decide to call the cops. PSYCH! ZOMBIE THROUGH THE WINDOW! AND HE BUSTED YOUR PHONE! RUN, KIDS!
How are things at the mortuary? Burt thinks they should just get the hell out of there. Let’s use the paramedics’ rig! As they race into the other room, Tina is reunited with Freddy and it’s pretty clear that lover boy is not long for this world. Ernie goes outside to talk to the paramedics and find the abandoned rig. He is appropriately suspicious and checks the cab, gun in hand. Huh. Nothing there. I’ll just close the door and…
I love that amputee zombie. I guess I love all amputee zombies? I’m weird. But seriously, you need to see him chase Ernie!
Ernie races back instead, has a bit of a meltdown, and he and the other men (at least the ones not already halfway to zombie town themselves) start running around the building trying to secure the place, all while “Surfin’ Dead” by The Cramps play. The music is boss, but the task proves rather difficult. Back outside, we get my favouritest moment ever:
Oh, you sly zombie, you!
Now that the place is secure, Scuz and Spider would like you to tell them what the fuck is going on, thank you very much! Burt breaks it all down, except the part about the acid rain because apparently nobody has put that together yet. Freddy is wailing about his muscles stiffening up and this catches Ernie’s attention. Stiffening up? How’s that you say? Ernie, our resident rigor expert, determines that our two fine gentlemen are in fact dead and that rigor mortis has indeed started.
Tina cries some more, Spider tries to comfort her and Freddy, and Scuz finally puts two and two together and realizes that Freddy is gonna turn into one of those THINGS out there! AHHHHHHH – hey, do you hear sirens?
Apparently, the zombies set a trap for the other paramedics they called. I love clever, plotting zombies. I love that in this universe, a body that has been in the ground for YEARS could arguably still be able to reason and scheme and SPEAK. Fantastic. Anyway, more zombies are trying to break in, so the men run to fight them off. In the kerfuffle, Scuz manages to get his head chomped on by a SEVERELY decimated former lady.
I don’t quite understand why an arm that is little more than skeleton was able to pull him out the window far enough to bite him, but c’est la vie. Au revoir, Scuz. At least your death led to the lady whose mouth is attached to your skull to get dragged inside too and now we can get ourselves a ZOMBIE INTERROGATION.
That’s right, you heard me.
Let’s get some questions answered, shall we?
Q: Why do you eat people?
A: Not people – brains!
Q: Brains only?
A: THE PAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN
Q: What about the pain?
A: The pain of being dead!
Q: It hurts to be dead. (Not so much a “Q” as a “Statement”, but I’ll allow it)
A: I can feel myself rot.
Q: Eating brains – how does that make you feel?
A: It makes the pain go away!
And there you have it, folks! The motivation behind brain eating. Don’t you feel a little more informed now?
Hey, was anyone curious about Trash? Cuz if you thought she was just dead like Scuz and Suicide apparently are…
I’m not entirely sure why her face is all… demon-y. Maybe it’s fucked up from bite marks? Whatever, she eats a homeless dude and joins the others on their murderous rampage.
Time to check in with Chuck and Casey. They’re still with us and praying for rescue. Casey is kind of a bitch and tells Chuck she never did like him but could he please just hold her tight? Chuck’s a decent sort of guy, plus now he gets to hold Casey, so he agrees.
Back at the mortuary, Burt is thinking that maybe it might be a good idea to look up the two corpses that haven’t QUITE started craving brains, but probably will soon. Tina isn’t keen on it but Spider talks her into it and they carry Frank and Freddy to the chapel. Once again, I must express my unending love and devotion to the way Franks screams. It amuses me far more than it should. They lay them down and Tina immediately declares she won’t leave Freddy. “We gotta lock the door, you know that?” Burt reminds her. “I’m staying,” Tina insists. And this is where Tina officially loses me. TEAM SPIDER FOR LIFE!
Some cops have shown up to investigate the missing paramedics and, once again, the zombies feast. Also, once again, we get a zombie on a CB:
HA! Love it. Spider and his two new buddies Burt and Ernie are trying to figure out what to do next. Ernie suggests barricading themselves in the attic crawl space, but Spider isn’t feeling that plan. Burt wants to go for the cars, but how do they get pass the ghouls? Well, Ernie happens to have some nitric acid handy, how does that sound? The gentlemen ponder this as we check back in at the chapel. Frank and Freddy and screaming something fierce. And then not at all. And then Freddy sees the light – the only way he can be free of the pain is LIVE BRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNS!! I think Tina is starting to see the error in locking herself in here. Thankfully the fellas hear her screaming and come to her rescue. As they fight off Freddy, Frank sneaks out of the chapel but don’t worry about him, we’ll see him in a bit. Right now we need to blind Freddy with ALL THE NITRIC ACID THEY HAD. I mean, really Ernie? Why even suggest it then?
They run back to the embalming room, Spider carrying Tina (I think I love Spider) and Spider has a bit of a freak out. He starts crying over his now blinded friend and Ernie slaps him twice. “He’s not Freddy,” he tells him. Ok, sorry for mourning him then! That half a lady on the table is continuously wailing about brains and it’s kind of hilarious, considering she was carrying on a fairly articulate conversation not 20 minutes earlier. Now it’s just all “BRAINSBRAINSBRAAAIIIINNNNSSSSBRAINSBRAINS!!!” They hear Freddy trying to break out of the chapel and attempt to reinforce the door… with a bench. In the process Ernie breaks his foot?! Sure, why not. This just adds to the drama – Ernie can’t WALK, much less RUN! How will he make it to the cars?! Oh, and Freddy has broken out of the chapel and looks like this:
A fairly accurate representation of what acid will do to your eyes, kids. Be forewarned.
A plan has been formulated – Spider and Burt will make a run for it to the cars. The cop car still has the keys in the ignition, the motor running! What luck! “I’ll drive,” Spider offers. “No, I’ll drive,” Burt counters. “Hey, fuck you!” says Spider. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, SETTLE THIS NOW FELLAS, TIME IS CLEARLY NOT A FACTOR. Once they have the car, they’ll drive up the door and Tina and Ernie are to make a mad dash for it. Sounds like it just might work! Let’s go kids!
Somehow, against all odds, Burt and Spider make it to the car. These things overpowered two trained police officers with weapons, but these two armed only with lead pipes make it to the car. But once in the car, they find themselves surrounded and covered in crawling creatures – there’s no way Ernie and Tina can make it inside! “We gotta split!” Burt insists. Spider does NOT approve. ‘That is my fucking friend back there!” “We’ll send help!” “Coward!” “Fuck you!” These two should have their own buddy cop series, for serious. Sadly, their escape doesn’t get past the warehouse on account of ALL THE ZOMBIES RUNNING AT THEM. They crash the car into the side of the warehouse and Spider pulls Burt from the car, essentially saving him. “This way, you stupid honky!” He snaps. Chuck hears this and immediately responds with “That’s Spider!” throwing open the door. REUNION! FRIENDS! HOORAY! Except the car is totaled and the other cars in the parking lot have been set ablaze somehow. So, Burt and Spider went from being trapped at the mortuary with Tina and Ernie, to being trapped at the warehouse with Chuck and Casey. Progress?
Next we get to see Freddy blindly stumbling about the place, yelling furiously and screaming his girlfriend’s name. She and Ernie seek refuge in that crawl space in the ceiling, just as blind Freddy busts in the door. Cut to… the crematorium. Look, it’s Frank! And he looks sad. He takes off his wedding ring, kisses it, lays it aside, and CRAWLS INTO THE OVEN, SHUTTING THE DOOR.
Good ol’ Frank would rather be a pile of ash than a brain-eating ghoul. Fare thee well, Frank. Your screams here no longer amuse me.
So, the cops are starting to catch on that some shit is going down by the cemetery. Numerous cars arrive this time, as well as air support. They pull up and stop in front of an officer waving directional lights…
…except not really, he is a ZOMBIE and OH MY GOD HOW GENIUS ARE THESE UNDEAD BASTARDS?! MORE FEASTING! The helicopter sees it all and seems to get that shit is BAD now, and declares the area under “police blockade”. Spider and co. decide they need to let the police know they’re in there but how? The zombie in the office destroyed the phone and our buddy the Tar Man is in the basement with the other phone (Sidenote: This is a WAREHOUSE, and your ONLY two phones are in the one office, and the cellar? Really? Way to run your business, Burt.) “I don’t give a shit what’s in the basement, we gotta get to that phone, man!” Burt insists. You may be singing a different tune when you get down there, sir…
Back in the attic, Tina silently cries as she hears he former boyfriend taunt her below. “Tina, it was wrong for you to lock me up. I had to hurt myself to get out. But I forgive you, darling. And I know you’re here because I can smell your braaaaaiiiiiins…” Somehow zombie Mr. Magoo has figured out how to get a ladder and get up to where Tina and Ernie are hiding (maybe he really can smell her brain? They say when you’re blind your other senses are heightened…) and starts banging on the barricaded entrance. Ernie tries to comfort Tina, while holding the gun very closely. Is that for Freddy, or for them? What’s your game, old man?
Spider takes down his barricade and lets the Tar Man out. Sadly, he is able to utter one last delightful, “BRAINS!” before Burt knocks his head off with a baseball bat.
What a disappointing ending for our Tar Man. Burt ushers Spider, Chuck and Casey into the basement and over Suicide’s body to the phone. They finally get though to the police on the outskirts of the barricade…
just in time for Trash and her undead buddies to eat them all.
Well, now what Burt?
Time to cave and call the barrel number, Burt. And guess who the call is transferred to?
WHAT UP, COLONEL. (Turns out he’s a colonel, not a General. Whatever, he’s important.)
We get a delightful one-sided conversation where we watch this colonel react to whatever it is Burt is telling him. “Yes.. I see… Well that’s understandable… And what did you do next?… And what effect did that I have?… I understand… A cemetery you say…” The Colonel hangs up and heads to his super secret spy station in his study. After reading some very unimpressive looking printouts he calls someone important to report they’ve found the barrels. “Well that would be good news sir, except it seems the eggs have hatched.” Well, that’s one way of putting it. Back in the basement our punks want to know what the sitch is. “It’s weird, these people seem to say they’ve been waiting for this to happen. Apparently they have some sort of contingency plan to deal with it.” Burt explains. “That’s great!” Casey enthuses. “What is this plan?” Spider asks suspiciously. I’m with you, Spider. This can’t be good.
Cut to: some young military dude who is trying way too hard to please. “Yes, sir! Good morning to you too, sir! Yes, sir! Alright, sir! Whatever you say, sir!” He then takes some code numbers down, and LAUNCHES A NUCLEAR ARTILLERY SHELL AT THE CITY. THE CITY OF LOUISVILLE. HE JUST NUKED LOUISVILLE. We get the standard “dropping bomb whistle noise” as we get still shots of the various characters – Spider and co. in the cellar, Freddy busting into the attic, Trash and other zombies staring skyward – and then…
Fare thee well, LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY.
We listen to the Colonel delivering the news to a superior as we get a bit of a montage of the devastation, the fires, the rain… “Spectacular results, sir. Very close to optimal placement. Well sir, only 20 square blocks destroyed. (Editor’s note: HA!) Less than 4000 dead, General. I wouldn’t worry about the fires, General. The rain is taking care of that right now. Well, there have been some complaints about burning skin, but I shouldn’t worry. Minor irritation, General. The rain will wash everything away. That;s correct, sir. All should be back to normal by morning. Yes sir, I understand the President will visit Louisville tomorrow. No, no we wouldn’t want that to happen sir. No sir, this hasn’t been very pleasant for anyone.”
As the Colonel wraps up his report, we see a skeleton rise out of the grave, open its eyes and…
See you tomorrow, Mister President!
There you have it folks! Tomorrow we’ll visit the non-zombie zombie classic 28 Days Later. Can’t wait!