I freaking love the Evil Dead series. Truly, I do. I have a framed autographed picture of Bruce Campbell hanging above my bed, right underneath a framed programme from Evil Dead: The Musical (the soundtrack for which is on my iPod year round, FYI). I LOVE this series.
The first one I ever saw was Army of Darkness when I was little, probably because it’s so goofy that my father knew full well I would appreciate it and not have nightmares. And he was right, I loved that movie to death. The fact that it was part of a TRILOGY, and that there were two preceding films that I had never seen that were actually significant to some of the plot points in Army of Darkness, was a fact that took me until high school to figure out. But once I watched the first two, I loved them as well. Evil Dead is an incredibly low budget horror flick that is trying so hard to be taken seriously but is just so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh. It’s the kind of horror movie my friends and I would have attempted in high school. Evil Dead 2 is less a sequel than a remake, and a remake where everyone involved went, “Wait, the first one was funny? We weren’t going for funny… What do you think we could accomplish if we DID go for funny?” It is slapstick-y and cheesy and gross and hilarious and just perfect.
Originally, I wanted to watch all three flicks and write about them. That was clearly too ambitious and I had to scratch that. I thought I could maybe get away with doing the first two and comparing them, but sadly these recaps take me forever to do because I am a perfectionist and edit them like, 34 times. Between that and having to actually spend time with my family this weekend (Happy Canadian Thanksgiving, y’all!) I just don’t think two films are feasible. So, I decided to settle for just Evil Dead 2. I decided on this one instead of the first one because it really is the superior film. It’s funnier, more tongue-in-cheek, and it has so many classic Bruce Campbell moments in it. I chose the second one over the third, Army of Darkness, which CLEARLY has more nostalgic meaning for me, simply because Evil Dead 2 is scarier. It’s not even THAT scary if I’m honest, but Army of Darkness is just funny. It’s funny and silly and is about as scary as the scariest episode of Xena. For Halloween, I gotta go with the one that actually has zombie-like creatures in it.
Yes, I KNOW, deadites aren’t technically zombies; they are people who have been possessed by Candarian demons. I’M NOT STUPID GUYS, I DO KNOW THIS OK. But I figure since they are pretty much impossible to kill and seem to rise from the ground and enjoy biting people and that spreads the possession or whatever THEY ARE CLOSE ENOUGH. Besides, ask anyone: whatever those things are that Ash fights, he is definitely someone you want with you in the zombie apocalypse.
So, the plot: A sorta-but-not-really sequel to Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2 cuts out all the characters from the first film leaving only Ash and his girlfriend Linda at a cabin in the woods, where they find themselves being attacked by flesh-possessing spirits who can’t be killed. Eventually other people show up and they must fight off these attackers lest they be… DEAD BY DAWN. (That’s the tagline. And a repeated quote in the film. Oh nevermind, let’s get this show on the road…)
We begin with a smoke-filled screen and a creepy looking book spinning towards us.
A narrator fills us in: “Legend has it, it was written by The Dark Ones: “Necronomicon Ex Mortes”; roughly translated… “The Book of the Dead”. Apparently this book was a passageway to evil worlds. You know, the ones “beyond”. Written long ago, when the seas ran red with blood (as we all know THEY DID), it disappeared it 1300 A.D. OR DID IT??
We now meet Ash and his girlfriend Linda, off for a secluded weekend at a cabin in the woods. “Are you sure it’s deserted?” Linda wants to make sure rescue is nowhere to be found, apparently. They arrive and while Ash is looking for some sexy fun time, Linda feels funny fooling around in someone else’s cabin. Yeah, apparently they didn’t rent this place, Ash just went looking for abandoned cabins one day, found this one, and decided to bring his girlfriend there. You know, as horny youth are wont to do. To get her in the mood, Ash suggests some champagne. He finds the bottle…
on a desk next to a massive tape recorder AND THE BOOK OF THE DEAD. Just… laying there. “Hey! There’s a tape recorder here!” Ash says with surprise. Wait… is that not their champagne? Did Ash not put it on that desk? Because if not, ew, why are you drinking mystery champagne that’s just SITTING on a desk in a dirty abandoned cabin, and if it IS your champagne, you’re just noticing the MASSIVE tape recorder now? Ash gets smarter, I promise.
“See what’s on it!” Linda suggests. Sure, why not? The tape begins and we get to hear the tale of Professor Raymond Knowby, who traveled to Castle Candar with his wife Henrietta, daughter Annie, and some other professor named Ed who is only there because he’s boning Annie.
I mean, look at him. He looks like he and Zack Morris should be fighting over who takes Kelly to the Fall Formal. HE LOOKS LIKE A KEN DOLL. I digress…
It was at this mysterious castle in some undisclosed location that our narrating professor found the book. And apparently he felt he needed the peace and quiet of this secluded cabin to translate the book. He explains that by reading the passages out loud, it’s believed that the dark spirits that roam the woods (aren’t they supposed to be from another dimension? Whatever) can possess the living. He then proceeds to phonetically sound out the translations, making sure to record it for posterity. Look, I’m not saying the Professor should be afraid or superstitious – he’s a man of academia, he doesn’t believe in such tales! That being said, as a man of academia, he probably should have been able to tell that the book is made of skin and inked in blood and perhaps a bit of caution might be in order?
As the professor’s voice echoes, we see the perspective of… something…. rushing through the woods to the cabin.
Instead of heading to the room where the recitation is coming from though, this spirit or whatever breaks into Linda’s room through the window. She screams. Ash calmly calls, “Linda?” and goes to investigate.
Ash goes out into the abundantly foggy forest to find her. And find her he does.
Here’s why I love this movie: there’s no pussy-footing around here. We aren’t even ten minutes in and Linda is possessed and walking like some deranged B movie zombie. Ash doesn’t even question this, he just immediately decapitates the bitch with a shovel.
I repeat: THE MAN JUST DECAPITATED HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH A SHOVEL. Without even considering the possibility that she could be saved. Love it.
He buries her in the woods because let’s face it, who’s gonna buy his story, but the zooming forest spirit isn’t done with you yet, Ash! It comes zooming through once more, crashing through the cabin, out the front door and right at your face! Just so it can….
Propel you through the air and spin you a couple times before crashing you into a tree.
You know, demon-y forest spirit stuff.
Ash lands facefirst into a puddle and emerges, well…
I’d like to reiterate, not yet ten minutes in, only two characters we’ve met not in flashback are possessed. Glorious.
It is not to last though, for it seems this dark, zooming, demon-y forest spirit is not to keen on daylight. He also apparently controls the forest fog because all the fog gets sucked back into the ground and Ash somehow get de-possessed just before he passes out in the woods.
After what I’m going to assume was way too many hours, Ash finally comes to – half submerged in what must be the deepest puddle ever, with strategically smeared mud on his face. “It’s gone,” he surmises as he takes in his surroundings. “The sun’s driven it away. Yeah… for now.” Putting aside the fact that Ash is now talking to himself (since it helps him keep us informed), is no one else bothered by the implication that, if Ash had NOT decapitated dear Linda immediately, she also may have become de-possessed by dawn’s early light? No one? Ok, just making sure. Moving on!
Ash determines that if he wants to survive, he needs to blow this popsicle stand before nightfall. After hallucinating the cabin as a demon face beckoning him to “JOIN US”, Ash decides to just jump in his car and skedaddle. Except, PSYCH! DEMON-Y FOREST SPIRIT ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT!
“I gotta get a grip on myself here,” Ash tells himself as the sun sets with hilarious rapidity and fogs fills the screen. No, what you gotta do is HAUL ASS, ZOOMING SPIRIT IS BACK! And whatever this thing is, it’s clearly visible since Ash reacts upon seeing it. I’m glad we the audience never get to see what it is though, it’s just much more fun to try and imagine what this thing looks like. I choose to believe it looks like this, but with wings:
Ash races to the only refuge he has left – the cabin. What proceeds is a hilarious one shot chase through this labyrinthine cabin that makes me actually want to see the blueprints for this building, seriously, and then an AMAZING POV shot of this demon-y forest spirit chasing him into a room, losing sight of him, then TURNING AROUND IN CIRCLES TRYING TO FIND HIM. It eventually gives up and zooms out the door and back to the forest to find him. Turns out, Ash was hiding the cellar crawl space the whole time!
This will become a terrible place to hide out soon enough sir, just you wait and see…
We cut to an airport, where a small prop plane has landed. Hey, we remember you! You’re Annie, the professor’s daughter! And here’s Professor Ed, who really is more like a Ken doll, so Imma call him Kenny now. Professor Kenny. Annie has just returned from some expedition where she was able to unearth the missing pages of the Book of the Dead, in perfect condition too! Annie and Prof. Kenny plan to head to the cabin tonight to meet her father and work on the translations. RUH ROH. “What did your dad find in the Book of the Dead?” Prof. Kenny wants to know. “Probably nothing,” Annie admits. “But quite possibly the doorway to another world!” So, your dad doesn’t believe that translating the pages will unleash demons, but he does believe it will open doorways to other worlds? He’s kind of a selective superstitious, isn’t he?
And how is Ash holding up? Well, he’s just found the piano playing music all by itself, specifically the song he was playing Linda earlier, and he also found her necklace on the floor and is now taking the time to grieve for his dead girlfriend. But don’t be sad, Ash! Haven’t you heard? You can’t keep a good girl down! Linda’s already crawling out of her grave and doing a jig!
Hey, where’d she go?
I love that a day in the ground has rotted Linda’s body to little more than a skeleton, but her hair is still 80s perfection. After battling her skeletal arms as they bashed his head into a board for awhile, he wakes, screaming, in the rocking chair in the other room. See, Ash? Nothing to worry about! Your headless girlfriend isn’t dancing around outside, you’re just going mad! OR ARE YOU?
“Hello, lover,” Linda’s head coos. She then bites his hand. What proceeds is a maniacally screaming Bruce Campbell running around the cabin, slamming the head attached to his hand into whatever he can to shake her loose – the wall, the desk, a loose book, the floor – all while she makes HILARIOUS munching noises. “The work shed!” he realizes, and he runs outside (tripping over a barrel on the way, which always cracks me up) to stick her head in a vice.
It works and poor Ash’s hand is free! “Even now, we have your darling Linda’s soul!” the head cackles. “She suffers in torment!” Ash’s retort? “You’re going DOWN.” He goes for the chainsaw… only it’s not there. Where’d the chainsaw go?
It goes about as well as you’d expect it to go when a headless body is wielding a chainsaw – She manages to do no harm to Ash, but does cut her self down the middle. Ash is eventually able to pry the chainsaw out of the body’s grip – not without an arm attached, naturally – but when he turns to use it, Linda’s possessed head just looks like Linda again. “Please Ash! Please don’t hurt me!” Ash seems to hesitate. DUDE. SHE’S A TALKING HEAD AND NOTHING ELSE. THERE’S NOT MUCH MORE DAMAGE YOU CAN DO TO HER. She turns demon-y again, giving Ash the strength to mow the bitch down. We see nothing but the silhouette on the shed door, and the excessive, excessive blood spatter.
Ash completes the task and looks like he’s halfway to crazy-town at this point. But what a delightful descent into madness it is! No one makes crazy look more fun and hilarious than Bruce Campbell. He finds a shotgun and, after weighing his two weapon options, decides to ditch the chainsaw for now and stick with the shotgun (it’s weird calling it a shotgun, I want to call it a Boomstick. But there’s not until the next flick.) Ash decides to take a look in the mirror and give himself a pep talk: “All right. I’m fine.” His reflection reaches out and grabs him by the shoulders.
“I don’t think so! We just cut up our girlfriend with a CHAINSAW. Does that sound fine?” His reflection proceeds to strangle him… except not really, it’s Ash strangling himself and HOO BOY is he going crazy fast. What’s real?! What isn’t?! Who cares, keep it coming!
Next up is, hands down (pun intended) my favourite plot point of the flick: The hand that Linda bit has now somehow become infected with demon-ness and is now possessed. JUST his hand. What follows is an absurdly wonderful one man slapstick show with Bruce Campbell battling his own hand as if it were an independent creature.
It’s hilarious and impressive and involves Ash wailing, “YOU DIRTY BASTARDS! GIVE ME BACK MY HAND!!” What’s not to love??
Before we get to all that stellar physical comedy though, we need to check back in with Annie and Prof. Kenny. And before we do that, can we please all take a moment to appreciate Annie’s OUTFIT.
Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
WHAT IS HAPPENING. WHO LET HER WALK AROUND IN PUBLIC LIKE THAT?! PROF. KENNY, DO SOMETHING!
Ugh. Anyway, they arrive at the bridge to the cabin but the maintenance worker there, Jake, informs them they ain’t going to no cabin tonight, just look at that bridge! “There must be another way in!” Annie insists. “Ain’t no other way!” a magically-appearing-out-of-nowhere woman informs them as she spits tobacco. Bobby Joe is clearly a charmer. Jake and Bobby Joe agree to lead Professor Kenny and Annie to the cabin for a $100. “If you carry my bags, it’s a deal,” Annie smiles coyly. That sounds like a good deal to me Jake, she’s one little lady, how many bags could she have? She’s probably just smiling because she’s happy that’s all.
Back in the cabin, Ash’s hand ain’t looking so hot.
It is also somehow making hilarious gibbering and chittering noises, like a little goblin or something. BRING ON THE PHYSICAL COMEDY!
“Who’s laughing now?!” Ash growls maniacally AS HE PULLS OUT THE CHAINSAW AND CUTS OFF HIS HAND. That is why that man is on my Apocalypse Survival Squad. Anyone willing to cut off his own hand is tough enough to warrant inclusion. Plus, he gets all the best one-liners!
Hey Jake, how’sit going with those bags?
Back in the cabin, Ash’s hand is making an impressive amount of noise for something without a mouth, vocal chords, or any capacity for making sound, really. But I don’t care, it’s funny. “Here’s your new home,” Ash says grimly as he puts a bucket over his severed hand. To keep it in place, he places a couple books on top.
I mean, COME ON. THAT is comedy, people!
As Ash tapes a bandage around his arm stump (I’m assuming he’s cauterised the wound since there doesn’t seem to be BLOOD EVERYWHERE) we see that little bucket start skittering across the floor. We hear a thud, Ash turns and, UH OH. The hand is loose! Ash tries tracking it with the shotgun, but it’s run into a mouse-hole in the wall. It tries to escape, but it gets caught in a mousetrap. “HA!” Ash laughs.
“You son of a- ”
He fires. Direct hit! There’s blood trickling out of the wall!
Well, it was trickling…
Once all the blood and black ooze seeps back INTO the wall, Ash tries to take a seat to calm his nerves. The chair collapses and what follows is my SECOND favourite part:
Once Ash starts joining in, I LOSE it. It kills me! It’s so weird and goofy and and cheesy and WONDERFUL! Look at him squat!!
How can you NOT delight in this madness?!
Eventually, the laughter stops when there’s a thud by the door. Ash, now very much in the “shoot first, ask questions much much later” frame of mind, fires. We hear a scream, but when Ash goes to check there’s no one there…
Looks like our intrepid travellers have found their way to the cabin. Jake and Prof. Kenny knock Ash out, as Bobby Joe clutches the arm that Ash apparently grazed and Annie stares in horror at the blood soaked cabin and the chainsaw in the corner. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU TO MY PARENTS?!” She wails while shaking Ash’s unconscious form violently. Can’t say I blame her conclusion jumping here, Ash has a pretty hard case to sell. THey toss him into the cellar crawl space which seems like a safe enough place now, but just you wait…
Annie discovers her father’s tape recorder and plays the remainder of his recordings. Turns out, the Professor’s wife Henrietta was also host for a Candarian demon and he was forced to kill her. “I could not bring myself to dismember her, so I buried her,” the professor chokes out. “I buried her in the earthen floor of the fruit cellar.” Ash hears this and immediately hops to. He knows what that means!
“Someone’s in my fruit cellar!” this creature that was once Annie’s mom sneers. “Someone with a fresh SOUL!” THAT’S IT, ASH WANTS OUT.
Ash begs them to let him out. “There’s something down here!” “Let him out!” Annie insists. “It’s a trick. I know it!” Jake says. Jake, can you not HEAR the other voice? She ain’t exactly whispering.
Just as she goes to grab Ash, Jake pulls him out of the cellar. Now this demon has popped up through the door too, and is trying to grab Jake by the face. Prof. Kenny goes to help and gets HIS face grabbed, then tossed into a wall. Ash takes it upon himself to save the day and drops the cellar door onto Henrietta’s head. To get it closed, he begins jumping out, causing ONE OF HER EYES TO POP OUT.
Eventually, through teamwork, Jake and Ash are able to get that demon lady back in the cellar and the door closed. PHEW. Ash then starts a fire and lays it out for everyone: “There’s something out there. That… witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives out in those woods. In the dark. Something… something that’s come back from the dead.” Bobby Joe, hysterically screaming, wants to leave now please. Jake is ready to comply, but Ash firmly tells them no one goes outside before dawn. A fight looks like it’s a brewin’, but then Henrietta starts singing a lullaby from the cellar. Why are lullabies so creepy? They’re to lull CHILDREN to sleep. Why do they always freak me out in horror films?! Annie’s mother looks like herself again and tries to convince Annie to let her out. Annie ain’t buying it. “That thing in the cellar is not my mother!” she cries. Then, this happens:
Apparently, you can also be possessed when thrown across the room by a deadite? I’m fuzzy on the rules. Whatever, Prof. Kenny is now one of them and he’s floating in the middle of the room pontificating about being all that was and will be again, wanting life and “dead by dawn” and whatnot. Prof. Kenny then eats some of Bobby Joe’s hair (gross) and tosses Jake up into a lightbulb like a cartoon character. As he is about to free Henrietta, Ash takes off. “Where are you going?! Help us you fucking coward!” Annie screams after him. Oh, Annie. You underestimate our Ash.
So, I’m not quite sure why Prof. Kenny bleeds green blood when Linda CLEARLY bled regular blood. Like I said, I’m iffy on the rules here. Don’t care. Ash chops that sucker up tout suite.
After the carnage, Jake looks outside and notes that the path they took in has disappeared. “It’s like the woods just swallowed it up!” Suddenly,the clock stops and the group hears a succession of roarings and bangings seeming to come from various points around the cabin.
I can only imagine how ridiculous it must have felt filming that. “Everyone look up! Now to the left! Down! Don’t forget to look scared! Cover you ears! Up again! Down and to the right! Over here!” Amazing.
“What the hell was that??” Jake wants to know. “Maybe something trying to force its way into our world,” Ash muses. That sounds like animals running and train whistles and creaking boards? Sure, why not. The noise finally seems to stop at one room. “It’s in there,” Bobby Joe points. “We’ll all go in together,” Ash suggests. “Hell no! You’re the curious one!” Jake, in this one instance, you and I are on the same page. Annie agrees to go with Ash though, cuz apparently she’s dumb, but brave. They enter the room… Nothing. Jake and Bobby Joe finally grow a pair and they rush in as well. “Shit, I told you there weren’t nothing in here no how!” Jake sighs relieved.
Shows what you know, Jake.
Turns out it’s just Annie’s dad, who managed to get himself dead and not possessed? And is able to cross dimensions or something? Whatever, he tells them that their salvation lies in the pages of the book Annie just so happened to find and bring with her and keep safe up to this point despite all the hubbub. “Recite the passages! Dispel the evil! Save my sooooouuuuullllll! And your owwwwwnnnnnn!!” He cries as he fades away. Good talk, dad.
“Jake, you’re holding my hand too tight!” Bobby Joe complains. “Baby, I ain’t holding your hand.”
In her attempt to get the hand off, Bobby Joe knocks out the lantern. When they light it again, she’s gone. Somehow she got herself outside? And now she’s running through the woods screaming. If you’d seen the first Evil Dead Bobby Joe you’d know, that forest is NOT somewhere you want to be, trust me. She manages to also get herself attacked by trees (though not quite as gruesomely as the poor girl in the first flick,) and she is dragged through the forest by thousands of branches and vines, screaming. Fare thee well, Bobby Joe!
Back inside, Annie is busting out those missing pages.
Burst out laughing. Every time. I love it so God damn much.
“In 1300 A.D. they called this guy the ‘Hero From The Sky,'” Annie informs us. I’m sure that won’t be relevant later…
Annie finally finds the two relevant passages: one to manifest the dark spirit in the flesh, another to create a rift in time and space to force the dark spirit into. Perfect! We’ll just recite those, and –
Oh for God’s sake, Jake! YOUR GIRL IS TREE FERTILIZER, MOVE ON.
Jake is determined to go out into the spooky evil woods to find Bobby Joe. Then, they’re all getting out of there! Ash calmly (read: rather angrily) calls him a fool and tries to make him understand that these passages are their only hope. Of course, by bringing up the pages you’ve only managed to draw Jake’s attention to them and so he immediately grabs them and tosses them in the cellar with the demon witch lady. Yep, Jake is clearly the brains of this operation. He forces Ash and Annie outside by gun point to help him find his dumb, dead girlfriend.
“BOBBY JOE!!!” He screams, like a moron with no concept of what has been happening thus far. “BOBBY JOOOOEEEEE!!” All his screaming does is catch the attention of our favourite zooming, dark, demon-y forest spirit who is zooming towards our trio of survivors. Is it gonna get Jake?
So Ash is all demon-y, AGAIN, and he picks Jake up like a rag doll and tosses him into a tree. Annie screams like a banshee and hightails it into the cabin. “JOIN US!” Ash beckons from outside. Annie arms herself with some HUGE ceremonial knife that might be made of spine?! and hunts through the cabin.
She hears banging at the back door… she’s armed and ready… TAKE THAT!
Ah well, he was a dick.
But there’s still Ash to contend with! Annie hilarious tries to close the door on Jake’s body, and apparently he’s not totally dead cuz he keeps making “oof” and “owwwww” noises and I keep giggling. Ash is blundering around outside like blind Freddy from ROTLD for some reason. Annie finally gets Jake inside and shuts the door. She proceeds to stand with her back against the door, screaming, until Ash stops trying to get in. She checks on Jake, still not dead, and he wants her to pull the knife out. She does, he screams, and then she drags his moaning, screaming, prone form all the way across the cabin. Every time he hollers in pain, she screams at him to shut up. These two could be a comedy duo. She finally gets him to safety and lays him down.
I love love LOVE the excessive amounts of blood used. It’s ludicrous and delightful.
Ash has finally found his way in. He tosses Annie across the room, but when he moves in for the kill, he sees poor dead Linda’s necklace.
Is sentimentality and nostalgia the secret cure to Candarian demon possession? Someone should probably look into this, many lives could be spared…
So, Ash is all better, but of course Annie doesn’t know this so out comes the axe! “Would you stop it? I’m alright now!” Ash scolds.
Ok, sorry, my bad. Our remaining two survivors need to get those pages if they want to end this. “Then let’s go down in that cellar… and carve ourselves a witch.” BAM! ASH, I LOVE YOU. Another reason to love you?
That is HOT, ladies and gentlemen. That is a man that is suited up and ready to battle deadites. GROOVY INDEED.
Instead of just unchaining the cellar door, Ash cuts it open with his chainsaw. BECAUSE HE CAN, FOLKS. THAT’S WHY. He makes his way into the cellar, picking up pages as he finds them. It’s dark and creepy. He hears scary sounding noises! Chainsaw at the ready!
Oh, it’s just the boiler.
Oooh, look! More pages under Jake! Got ’em all! Quick, toss them up to Annie! Cuz, you know, pages toss really neatly like that… Now to just quickly and quietly escape backwards up the stairs….
Annnnnnnnnd…. Ash does another faceplant. Annie stops reading the passages when she hears the commotion (MISTAKE THE FIRST) and walks over to the cellar (MISTAKE THE SECOND), just in time for her former mother to pop up, grab her by the hair, and float in mid-air spinning.
Don’t worry, Ash to the rescue!
Ash then engages in a sort of boxing match with the witch (HE HAS A CHAINSAW FOR A HAND AND HE JUST KEEPS HITTING HER WITH HIS GOOD ONE, HILARIOUS) until she turns MUCH more demon-y, with a weird giraffe neck and freaky face and monkey sounds.
It looks like Ash is losing that battle, but remember that thing about nostalgia and sentimentality? Annie is now singing that lullaby to the creature who bears absolutely no resemblance to her former mother and it distracts the thing long enough for Ash to chainsaw it gooooooood.
“I’ll swallow your soul!”
Annie cries for her poor dead mother. Ash comforts her and the two have some serious chemistry, am I right?
No time for that now, kids! Shit’s going down! Trees are outside trying to smash your cabin!
No, SERIOUSLY. Trees!
“I only completed the first of the passages! that was to make the evil a thing of the flesh!” WAY TO DROP THE BALL, ANNIE. “You didn’t finish it?!” Ash shouts incredulously. “There’s still the second passage! The one… the one to open the rift and send the evil back!” ANNIE. STOP EXPLAINING AND READ THE GOD DAMN PASSAGE. YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE EATEN BY TREES. OR WORSE, THIS THING:
That is not the demon-y forest spirit I pictured. And clearly not what Ash has been running from since it just turned his hair WHITE.
Annie hurries to finish the passages and she’s almost done, but there’s something we forgot:
You dirty bastard.
Ash is totally demon food!
Annie finds the strength to finish the passage before she succumbs to her wounds, and the rift opens! Out goes the demon! All the evil is sucked away! “You did it kid,” Ash says to Annie’s dead body. Thank God that’s over!
Oh for fuck’s sake.
So Ash and his car get sucked into the rift and they land somewhere dusty and old looking. Where are we?
Oh, good. We’ve gone back in time then. Perfect. “Slay the beast! ‘Tis a deadite!” the people shout.
Nope, that’s a deadite.
And that’s a dead deadite.
“Hail he who comes from the skies to save us from the deadites!” Wait, why does that sound familiar….
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” Ash wails!
“HAIL!” the people cry!
“BAHAHAHAHA I WANNA WATCH ARMY OF DARKNESS!” I laugh with glee!
THE END. If you get the chance, watch all three, they really are spectacular. Next up: Pet Semetary, one of my all-time favourites. Can’t wait!